An exasperated Easter Bunny held a press conference to dispel the commonly-held myth that he actually lays the Easter eggs he delivers. He followed up with several statements bemoaning what he called “a shameful decline in science education and the war on science.”
“No, dumbass, I don’t lay eggs,” he snapped in response to one reporter’s request for proof. “Do I look like a freakin’ platypus or echidna or any other monotreme? Do I? Because other than that, mammals don’t lay eggs. Deductive reasoning—that’s your effing proof.”
“My friends,” he said, addressing the group, “this is why we need science education. These falsehoods breed faster than I do! In Albert Einstein’s time, science wasn’t equated with opinion and scientists were household names. Now, people don’t know the difference between weather and climate change and think evolution is a personal belief. But instead of bumping up STEM curriculum, we cling to our ignorance and turn a blind eye to losing our competitive edge and standing in the world. Who’s the dumb bunny now, eh?”
He concluded by saying, “Frankly I am hoppin’ mad about all this and have half-a-mind to withhold jellybean delivery this year...and NO, they are not real beans.”