"I may not be showing it right now, but I can feel my heart breaking into a million pieces as I say this..." Sitting by her side, I tried to connect with her searching blue-green eyes, as I delivered the words that would end our relationship. The the fragile dome that once housed a precious romance just fell through in a crescendo of broken glass, shattering into a profound silence upon the ballroom floor; which just moments before played host to a wonderfully colorful, and passionate dance.
"Time heals all, right?" I asked a few days later of Nancy, my trusted confidant and mentor. Her strong, nurturing voice came through the other end of the line, and delivered her typically uncommon perspective, "Your heart's healing has nothing to do with the number of times the earth revolves around the sun." Time, in other words, is irrelevant as far as the laws of growth and understanding are concerned. "When we are faced with a deep challenge, it is an invitation for us to move forward in life," she added. It's a profound thought -- but if not through time, then how?
I woke up last week to the bleary-eye-catching title of a recently published New York Times Modern Love article: For a Broken Heart, Try Tylenol. It's a gorgeously written article exploring the neurological effects of a heartbreak; but one that comes with a curious suggestion from the author: Take Tylenol, as studies show that the active ingredient "can reduce physical and neural responses associated with the pain of social rejection, whether in romantic relationships, friendships or otherwise." But there is one (very) important caveat that she failed to mention: It won't just dull your painful emotions, it will dull all your emotions -- whether it's your sadness or your joy. In fact, the study showed that people on average felt 20% less happier when on pain killers, and the negative effect it had on dulling happiness was twice as strong as the positive effect it had on removing pain. Is this a fair trade-off? Not if it's happiness you seek.
We go through great lengths to avoid pain. Self medication and numbing, avoidance, pursuit of petty distractions -- anything to avoid that feeling; that very real feeling of a broken heart. I sympathize. We all do, as we've all been there. But what if there was a different way to look at pain? One that viewed it as a catalyst for growth and transformation? Simply put by one of the world's most celebrated poets, Rumi, "The cure for pain, is in the pain."
Practically speaking what does this mean? When mending a broken heart, we have two choices: dwell in it, or move forward. To dwell means to stagnate -- and Stag-Nation is a strangely attractive place to take up residence: Sad songs, tragic movies, and self-pity; it somehow feels so good to feel so bad. Allowing time to grieve is important, but it's not helpful to languish there for too long.
To move forward means to acknowledge that the current reality isn't quite working; and to chart a path towards a more fulfilling vision of what life can be. This is where we get to grow towards our highest potential. Here, I'll share a few strategies that may help shift our orientation from a place of grieving to a place of thriving:
1. There is no such thing as rejection
It didn't work out. Whether they ended it, or you did, the question comes to mind: Was I good enough? Could I have done something different? You can have two amazing people, but it doesn't necessarily mean it's meant to be. To paraphrase the words of the love guru, Kathryn Alice: There's no such thing as rejection, it just wasn't the right fit. And now, you're one step closer to attracting the one who's truly meant for you. Trust in this. Your hope itself will be magnetic.
2. Bless them
In the beginning, there's no way around it: it just hurts. Your mind and body are used to comfortable routines and heightened states of arousal that are broken and lost. It feels like a limb has gone missing, and the painful ghosts of past memories keep themselves alive for as long as they can. By blessing them each time they appear, you take control of your thoughts and reframe them in a more positive light. Holding on to sad thoughts will only weigh down your progress. There is a cathartic release and forward movement in the blessing. So, next time he or she comes to mind, send a blessing for their wellbeing. You'll feel better by it, and perhaps, they will to. Isn't that what love is about?
3. He or she won't complete you. You complete yourself
Hollywood, you've been peddling a dangerous lie, and I'm calling you out on this one. The notion that someone else is responsible for our happiness is flawed (and a rather selfish) one. It sets up unrealistic expectations for the person we're with, and we'll always be searching for happiness outside of ourselves. A healthier approach is to claim our own completeness. There is nothing outside of us that can give us the enduring sense of fulfillment and happiness that we desire. Happiness, as it's often been said, is a choice we get to make for ourselves. All else is fleeting.
When we embrace our own completeness, we engage love from a higher perspective. No longer do we look to others to fill an emotional gap inside of us. Rather, we look to attract those who will help us amplify our expressions of joy and creativity into the world.
4. Take out the mud
When involved in romantic relationships the swirl of emotions will stir the vast sea of our consciousness. When this happens, the muddiness of unresolved issues that were once shoved into the depths of our consciousness over the years, rises to the surface. This cloudiness can lead to a lack of clarity, frustration, or cause anxieties to emerge. When we find ourselves manifesting certain patterns in relationships, a closer look at them can help us identify the unresolved issues that need healing. This is the time to go deeper to address the symptoms at their very source, so we don't take them with us into the next relationship. This is a process that may require multiple journeys inward.
Emotions will always swirl in romantic relationships, it's a part of the territory. Once we've taken out the mud, however, we'll have the clear-sightedness to build and maintain healthy relationships; freed from the burdens of the past.
5. Pain as fuel for transformation
Any uncomfortable situation holds within it the seeds of transformation. Our pain, in this case, can be viewed as a powerful catalyst for growth. When we feel ourselves going to that place, we have options: We can go there and dwell; or we can interrupt the unhelpful thoughts, and redirect our focused energy towards something more helpful and productive. Brilliant artists, and many of world's greatest creators have often manifested profound pieces of work by channeling their pain towards a higher cause.
If you are unclear as to what direction to channel your energy towards, take a piece of paper and begin to write out the story of your most perfect life. Fill it with as many colorful details and aspirations as you'd like. Dare to think big. When completed, you have in your hands a vision of what your life can be. Now, set your inner-compass in that direction and re-direct the winds of your desire to take you there.
When it comes down to it, neither Time, nor Tylenol hold the key to our heart's healing. It's our thoughts; and ultimately, how we direct them in those moments where only silence and scattered memories descend upon the emptied ballroom floor. And there, where you find yourself embraced in the uncomfortable dance with Pain, linger awhile in her healing depths, because her parting kiss will imprint upon your soul the secrets necessary to propel you towards your highest potential.
And that, my friends, is a dance worth dancing.