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Non Sequitur: Unearthed Conversation Between Ted Williams' Head and Montecore the Bengal Tiger

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In a long-lost 2005 phone conversation transcript recently recovered somewhere deep in the Sudan, Montecore, the infamous Bengal tiger who attacked illusionist/owner Roy Horn in 2003, chats with Red Sox icon Ted Williams, well, his severed head that is. In 2002, after the baseball great had passed away, his family - notably his son - decided to freeze him in two parts.

[Phone rings]

Montecore: [Roars]

Ted Williams' head: Hello?

Montecore: Hey, Mr. Williams' head. It's Montecore.

Ted Williams' head: Who?

Montecore: C'mon you know... Roy, I kind of bit his neck years ago?

Ted Williams' head: Oh, yes Roy Horn's tiger. How are ya?

Montecore: So, so. Thought I might give you a buzz. It's still been quite a difficult time for me, and I figured you could relate....

Ted Williams' head: At first, maybe. Things have now quieted down ever since surgeons put me in liquid nitrogen a few years back. Over the past two years, everything's been pretty status quo. I read. I make weird sounds from my mouth. The guys who work here are great. But, there's not much you can do suspended in a steel can. That said, I do miss my body. How about you?

Montecore: Meh. I've kind of fallen on some hard times. I'm not on the show anymore. As you know, I attacked Roy Horn during a performance in Vegas... not the smartest career move.

Ted Williams' head: I can imagine, and yes, I do recall a 20/20 special about that, but it happened a while ago. Maybe people need to get over it. Maybe you need to. Roy Horn has publicly forgiven you so let it go, man.

Montecore: Easy for you to say. The Red Sox just won the World Series, and people still love you body or no body. I mean don't get me wrong Roy's great, but I can see it in his eyes every time he looks at me from a 30-feet distance. He removes his sunglasses and gives me that look... a look like "hey you nearly killed me but I guess you're still my friend." That look kills me.

Ted Williams' head: Well, you did nearly kill him. He can't exactly be like "hey what's up man. How's it going?" I do have to ask, why'd you do it?

Montecore: I did it because he left me off that "Father of the Pride" show, which I guess was a blessing. How could he leave me off a possible hit show? Did I do something wrong? Did I not roar loud enough for those mindless Vegas audiences? Ugh. These people. But, listen, now I still can't get work. Heck, I can't even get unemployment. My paws are too big to register online. Just the other morning, I crawled into Roy's bedroom, and tried to like cuddle up next to him. You know - just sort of a way to say - "hey, sorry I almost ate you completely." So, here I am, gently - gently mind you - rubbing against his leg, when all of a sudden Siegfried slaps me with a newspaper. Roy used to love when I did that.

Ted Williams' head: You almost killed him. Cut Siegfried some slack. I don't think Siegfried ever tried to gnaw on him. Well, on second thought... [Laughs]

Montecore: That's a low blow, dude. Siegfried and Roy are just good friends.

Ted Williams' head: My bad. I mean that's totally fine if they're a couple. That wouldn't cut it in the military when I served, but it's 2005 so to each his own.

Montecore: It's nice that losing your head has made you so open-minded. The Ted Williams I knew was a man's man - not just the greatest hitter in baseball, but a stud who made it with the ladies.

Ted Williams' head: Yes. Yes I did. I miss my hands. I miss my wrists. Some say they were the quickest wrists in baseball history! We all make choices. That's the difference between you and me. You chose to attack Roy Horn. I didn't choose to be preserved separate from my body. I would've been perfectly happy to have been cremated or buried as my entire self somewhere near Fenway. If I had to go out like Walt Disney, don't you think I'd much rather be frozen with my entire body? Know what neuroseparation is? It hurts!

Montecore: Boo hoo. No one ever berated you like Roy Horn did to me. He'd yell, he'd make these crazy demands, and then, he'd openly play a game of grab ass with Siegfried on stage. I mean, like I said, that's fine and they were just friends. It was just a figure of speech.

Ted Williams' head: You think you have it so bad? Try winning the Triple Crown in 1942 and 1947, and still being snubbed at the end of those years as MVP! Factor that in with dying and having your kids take your head and body and put them on ice! I haven't even seen or heard from my body since 2003. And, I do get berated, friend. You don't think I hear the jokes made at my expense? They call me "a head case," and laugh about how I give " good head."

Montecore: Well, that is funny.

Ted Williams' head: Jerk. Look, I've made some bad decisions in my life. I managed the Senators. I professed my love for Tim Wakefield in an email during my last days, but this was out of my control. My head and body belonged together like Pedro and Nelson del la Rosa.

Montecore: I suppose I should be more considerate of your feelings. And, looking back, maybe I should have figured that Roy's a bit light on his loafers, and that I outweigh him by two hundred pounds. And, yes, perhaps biting his neck wasn't the way to go. I could have sat down with him and told him what my beef was with him. I mean Roy is a great listener. But, I was so very young and immature then.

Ted Williams' head: Dude that was like two years ago. [Laughs]

Montecore: I deserved that. Anyway, thank you. Off topic, what are you doing Friday night?
Ted Williams' head: Same as I always do. No pun intended, but it seems like I'm frozen in time. I'll have chicken fed to me through a tube and watch BET.

Montecore: Well, if you're not doing anything maybe we can catch the slot machines?

Ted Williams' head: Thanks, but I have plans with Mickey Mantle's liver that night.

Montecore: Ok, well in that case, maybe we can grab a bite to eat sometime.

Ted Williams' head: Not me I hope. Zing. Sure, call my agent and set it up.