Not To Worry

I am reading on this site that many of my comedic friends are panicked that something will go haywire on election night; that the one who is supposed to win won't, that something will go terribly wrong -- racism, machines, a catastrophe -- something. I am here to say Do Not Worry. I always like to play the game "what's the worst that can happen?"

Well, let's say McCain wins and Sarah Palin takes over for Dick Cheney. I think it will be a smooth transition, we won't even miss a beat. Sure, she needs to bone up a bit on where the secure hiding places are and how to actually press the buttons that can fire the missiles that destroy the world, but this can be learned quickly. This is one of the advantages of video games. I haven't been to Wasilla, but I can't imagine they don't have Guitar Hero there. Then she has to learn, as she put it, to run the senate, and again, a few visits and she ought to get the hang of it. Watching an old clip of her doing local sports in Alaska made me comfortable that she can improvise when necessary. Her other jobs, like ceremonial obligations, she can learn on the way to the foreign country where she will attend whatever function. The good thing about no longer having the Concord is that these flights still take ten hours and you can learn most of what you need to on the plane.

As far as McCain, his hero status should put the world in its place. He has already shown how brilliant he was when he suspended his campaign and took the failing economy into his own hands and as soon as he fires the head of the SEC things should return to normal. Is Charles Keating out of prison? Am I the first one to suggest a possible replacement for Paulson?

His age is a little worrisome, I grant you, but with such a strong V.P. his health should not be an issue. If he is sharp enough to pick Palin after a five minute meeting, he obviously is sharp enough to know exactly what day to invade Iran. Also, because of him, I was able to fire my plumber who did a lousy job on our septic tank and even though I have not heard back from Joe, when he returns my call I can't imagine that he will be too expensive or smell bad.

So, all in all, I say relax. There are no such things as accidents and if the election is stolen it was meant to be and we will have two perfect people to lead our country officially into Armageddon.