This week whiteness, white supremacy, misogyny, xenophobia and nativism kept on going. Charlotteville, VA — google — immigrant “merit” proposal — affirmative action. It is non-stop. And I’ve come to the resounding conclusion — that I have nothing left to feel.
The repetition and the obviousness of this is…flattening. That’s not to say I’ve disengaged, nor does it mean I don’t care, or I’ve stopped doing things. All of that is still going on. It has been abundantly clear that this administration is inept, full of bravado and ALWAYS trying to come at us in clear and predictable ways — and that they stoke those same fires in the nation. What I do not have the capacity to do right now is keep absorbing the emotional shock or repeat the tired arguments and logics of people STILL surprised that shit — that has been shit — continues to stink. I just don’t know what to do with that anymore.
Every time I hear or see someone say, “oh my goodness Trump was just so unpresidential today”, or “his response was so inappropriate”. I just clench my jaw and it falls flat. Why are we spending time stating the obvious and moving nowhere? What else am I supposed to do with that? I’ve already had panic attacks, I’ve already been WELL aware of the threats and dangers facing me, my loved ones, and fellow people on the drumptser/white-male-supremacist hit list. Been feeling this for a long time. Been knowing this for a long time. And then since the election it has just been unrelenting increasing pressure, making it dramatically clearer and clearer until there is no more clearer that it can get.
I don’t have the stamina for all the ups and downs…and definitely do not have stamina for symbolic shit about “the democracy” as if 45 wasn’t already a huge disgrace to everything already. All I could do was roll my eyes when I saw people on fb defending Sessions “in the name of democracy.” And this isn’t even just the wypos, this even comes from non-black people of color, or the privileged ass ones. The ones who want to idealistically believe in “the democracy” who have worked HARD to keep their heads buried in the sand, or perhaps did not really know that they too were people of color. I could not STAND watching them jump to defend Sessions “in the name of the democracy.” Stop drinking that fucking white man koolaid [or whatever the super white ass version of koolaid is] and forgetting that that “democracy” was never for us in the first place, so why are you lining up to put yourselves on the front line to defend it? Stop trying to appease whiteness. Stop loving their shit. These institutions were not FOR US. They’ve never been FOR US. So just stop it.
All these people super late in the game trying to jump in like they know shit, but just repeating different versions of the same old tired bs. “Oh, but what about free speech [always in defense of white bullshit, or fragile male egoism]?” “oh but what about how those [insert respectability politics type comment about people of color actions or protest — likely some form of “what would MLK do”?]?”, “Oh, but you have to be ‘reasonable’[as they sit on the sidelines tone policing people of color’s rage]”.
And I just can’t go through the cycles anymore… terrible event or action that occurs as a predictable step completely in line with the interests, motives and momentum of current administration and this racist ass country in general… something especially terrible happens — privileged people feel shock and alarm — marginalized people have been screaming about this for a long time and then try to push the privileged people to take responsibility while their eyes are cracked open a little bit in the midst of their shock and awe — you get a few wypos or comfy folx — and then the rest of them just snap back again.
This is exhausting y’all and I’ve got no more to give. So the next time you want to come to me and tell me shit still stinks, stuff is still rough, the world is even less safe, and that this country has never told the truth about itself — do me a favor and just don’t. The only thing I’m interested in is how you are doing something differently, or how you can meaningfully support me and my folx as we keep going on to do this work, but pulling me down into your willful ignorance and momentary feigned empathy… no thank you. I’ve truly got nothing left for you.
*This story was originally published on Medium