I consider myself a spiritual person. I enjoy having time to myself to contemplate issues large and small, to focus inward.
I am also a very active person and take a lot of pride in what my almost-54-year-old body is able to do. Playing tennis. Kickboxing. Cycling. Hiking. Yoga.
So, several weeks ago, when I started having some twinges in my lower back, rather than rushing to the chiropractor or orthopedist, I decided to use the various forms of exercise I enjoy to “work out” the kink. I stretched, I sat in the steam room, I used a tennis ball to roll around on the tender area, but nothing made the annoying pain go away.
Fast forward a few weeks. I was a bit early to my yoga class and asked my instructor, TJ, what she knew about SI joint pain. Her answer: the lower back is an area of our bodies where we can hold a lot of “stuff,” so she suggested I try just “sitting with it” and see what comes up. Then, whatever it is, I should allow myself to notice it, acknowledge it, then let it go.
I thought about what TJ said, and started noticing what was coming up, what might be at the root of my discomfort.
Back in October, I scheduled an appointment with my doctor to discuss discontinuing birth control. I was pretty sure I had entered menopause and figured it was better for my body to go ahead and get rid of the IUD that I’d had for the past 10 years. Blood work confirmed that, yes, my body was incapable of pregnancy, and it was perfectly safe to go without birth control. I decided to “sit with” this bit of news for a while before having my doctor remove the IUD.
I know almost every woman gets this same news when they’re around my age. I wasn’t shocked or even surprised by it, but it bothered me in a strange way, and I wasn’t sure why.
Two weeks later, my tennis team was playing a league match, and I was slated to play singles against a woman who had recently graduated from college; i.e. she was YOUNG! The match warm-up went well with both of us hitting the ball cleanly and moving smoothly around the court. As the match progressed, I found myself hitting winner after winner, closing out the first set in my favor. The second set was much tougher. My young opponent started moving me up and down the court much better, hitting balls outside my reach. The score remained close, eventually culminating in a tiebreaker which she won. So, it was on to a third set. Luckily for me, my opponent changed her tactics away from what had won her the previous set, and I was able to take the 3rd set and the match.
Please understand that, while I absolutely love to win, playing tennis for me is a passion and something I realize I’m very lucky to be able to do, especially on a Thursday morning. I don’t usually get too caught up in the winning vs. losing thing (though my husband swears I’m much nicer on the days I win!). But, for some reason, this particular victory was super sweet. Beating someone who is the same age as my daughter felt amazing, and I couldn’t really get my head around why the feeling was so intense.
It took me hearing TJ’s advice all those weeks later - and “sitting with it” - to make the connection between the news I had gotten from my doctor and my over-the-top reaction to winning that tennis match.
The day before TJ’s yoga class, I had returned to my doctor’s office to have the IUD removed. It was a quick, painless, procedure. Just like that, I was free from birth control. More significantly, I was free from the need for birth control. I was officially on the other side of my childbearing years. Forever.
When I gave birth to my second child in 1991, I decided to become certified to teach aerobics with a specialty in pre- and post-natal fitness. Shortly thereafter, my family moved from Los Angeles to Atlanta, and I created a program called Fit For 2, a group fitness class specifically designed for pregnant women and new mothers. My world revolved around pregnancy, motherhood, and taking pride in the process of growing and raising children. I taught classes 5 days a week and became entrenched in my role as a teacher and an example to my students. My home was - and still is - filled with artwork honoring pregnancy and its beauty. I worked very hard to stay on top of the latest research around pregnancy and exercise and became a sort of “expert” on the subject, appearing on tv and radio and in print on a regular basis. I kept Fit For 2 going for 15 years, right up until my oldest child went off to college, at which point I decided it was time to take a break and figure out the next phase of my life.
That part of me - the part that could become pregnant, give birth, breastfeed - was an integral piece of who I was. Even all these years later (my youngest child is now 20), my identity as a mother is so important to me. And even though I knew those years were behind me, the finality of hearing that my body could no longer become pregnant and then actually having my IUD removed hit me at my core. And, it seems, manifested in a nagging ache in my lower back.
I don’t think this is about fear of aging. I’m very proud of my age and who I am and all that I’m able to do. I think it’s about mourning the end of a very significant chapter in the Story of Lisa Stone and wondering if I will be able to find equal meaning in the next chapter. And feeling a bit unsettled about what that next chapter might look like. So, as TJ suggested, I’m noticing. I’m acknowledging. Eventually, I will let it go. And, hopefully, then my back pain will go, too.