As any good entrepreneur ahead of his time, Mitt Romney recognized years ago that a new dictionary of the English language was needed to keep abreast of the times. Bill Clinton may have redefined, and made people think twice before using, the word "is", but Romney has provided a veritable latter day dictionary. I have excerpted some of the new definitions (along with some explanation), and invite readers to add others.
'economic revival' a. what I promised Michigan to win the primary; b. what I will promise South Carolina to win the primary; c. None of my investment bank's money was invested in companies in Michigan or South Carolina (see 'consistency' below). d. Can't wait to get to the NY, MA, and CA primaries since that where my investment bank DID invest its money; e. Hey, I never knew NY,MA and CA were liberal--- otherwise I would not have invested my money there (see 'consistency' below).
'patriotism'. a. supporting Mitt's Presidential campaign; b. driving around Iowa in a Winnebago to do "a"; c. supporting or sending other peoples' children to fight in a counterproductive war; d. hoping every day for 6 years, to be drafted to fight yourself in a counterproductive war, never dawning on you that you could volunteer; e. volunteering to do a mission for your church to avoid military service.
'volunteer' a. choosing to serve, as in: i) going to Paris for two years to convert others to your faith while others are dying in a counterproductive war; ii) hoping to be drafted--but not volunteering!-- to fight in the counterproductive war (n.b "hoping" is mental equivalent of actually serving; just as "seeing" something in one's mind's eye that did not happen is the mental equivalent of actually watching something that did happen, see below, "saw"). b) thanking God we have an all-volunteer army so you can support it without risking any family member's life or limbs.
'consistency' a. Maintaining the same principled position on a subject within a single news cycle. b. Maintaining a different principled position on a subject within a single news cycle; c. Taking single principled positions when you are trying to become Chief Executive of a liberal state; and, taking opposite principled positions when you are pandering to the radical rightwing; d. omitting the word 'foolish' from Ralph Waldo Emerson's observation that "a foolish consistency is the hobgloblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines"; e. Ronald Reagan did it too. f. How can you expect it with YouTube (see below) around?
'national security' a. Doubling the size of Guantanamo as primary national security strategy, while b. lowering by 20-fold the esteem in which the US is regarded in the rest of the world;
'varmint'. a. John McCain; b. Rudy Giuliani; c. Fred Thompson; d. Mike Huckabee; e. John McCain (again).
'all my life' a. Since yesterday; b. Since I decided to run for President; c. Since someone pointed out I said the opposite yesterday.
'faith of my fathers' a. the faith of my father, but not my grandfather.
'Martin Luther King' a. Famous civil rights leader whose birthday is celebrated in January; b.person Mitt saw his father march with (see 'saw' below) c. person Mitt marched with (see 'marched' below).
'marched' a. past tense of march, walking for a cause. b. what I would have done in the military if they had only called me, gosh darnit, I was waiting for 6 years. c. what I saw (see below) my father do with Martin Luther King. d. what I saw my father and I do with Martin Luther King.
'saw' a. past tense of 'see', literally a image transmitted from the retina to the visual cortex in the brain where it is interpreted; b. mind's eye recollection of something that never happened, but would be helpful to Mitt's campaign if only it had.
'visual cortex' a. part of brain that interprets images from retina; b. one part of Terri Schiavo's brain that was destroyed, making her blind, but not preventing radical rightwing Republicans from declaring that she was seeing them when they entered her room.
'YouTube'. a. An invention an entrepreneur like Mitt could be proud of; b. what's to blame for Mitt's trouble with consistency, not Mitt himself.
'stem cells' a. wonderful invention, perhaps could cure my wife, Ann (oh, by the way, did I tell you the one about Ann not really wanting me?, ho, ho, ho.) b. a horrible invention that could hurt my chances of being President (so, screw Ann, may be she really did not want me). c. what won't be available to help cure major illnesses so that Mitt might become President and certainly if Mitt becomes President. d. What Ann Romney (thankfully) will take to reverse her illness after Mitt loses the Presidency (see above, 'consistency').
'Eddie Haskell' a. Mitt's boyhood idol. b. Mitt's adulthood idol. c. Mitt's idol all his life (see 'all my life' above). d. Beaver Cleaver was NOT killed in Vietnam. e. Neither was I, because I was hoping to be drafted but they never called me, gosh darnit.
'National Rifle Association' a. Endorsed me for Governor; b. Been a member all my life (see def. above); c. Well, didn't really endorse me for Governor (see "YouTube" above); d. Perhaps they can help me shoot varmints (see above). e. Perhaps they can help me learn how to shoot, I've been doing it all my life (see def. above).
'endorse' a. Statement of support from a person or organization, authorized by the person or organization; b. Statement of support claimed by the recipient, hoping the person or organization said to support the recipient won't hear about it; c. Gosh darnit, they heard it (see "YouTube" above).
Advertisement