Obama Appoints Rory McIlroy, Phil Mickelson, and Tiger Woods to Top Cabinet Posts

In a move designed to re-engage his handling of United States foreign policy, President Obama has appointed professional golfers Rory McIlroy, Phil Mickelson, and Tiger Woods to the positions of, respectively, Secretaries of State, Defense, and Homeland Security. "The President is starting from scratch and looks forward to working very, very closely with this group of esteemed gentlemen," said White House Un-Detachment spokesperson Madeline Bascartoll. "He is sure they will provide invaluable advice on sound management of the course. Er...the course of...um...world affairs."

Insiders note that since the appointments, the President seems to be more interested in global problems than he has been in years, spending almost every waking hour on the green with his new Cabinet members. "The President says tee time now really helps him formulate tough, decisive, long-term strategies," comments Ernie Els, the new Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. "Phil and Tiger and I have come up with some detailed plans about fighting ISIS and countering Putin in the Ukraine," said McIlroy. "But the President insists he can only seriously consider them when his handicap has gone down four strokes. So, this could take a while."