Mr. President, is it really you?
Hi Conan. Yeah, it's me. And please, call me Barack. I've been watching the news, and I see it isn't going so well for you. So I've called to offer my support -- from one "O" to another. You feel me?
Wow. I'm honored. You can't imagine what this means to me. It has been the worst week of my life. They want to move my TV slot back thirty minutes, and now all the dreams I've dreamed since I was a little boy seem to be crumbling down around me. Life doesn't make sense anymore. And on top of it all, I can't manage to achieve any volume in my hair, no matter how much conditioner I use.
I don't know anything about conditioner. You should ask John Edwards. Listen Conan. I am very concerned about how NBC is treating you. It's just not right. But there is something else that is making me even more upset. I've heard reports that you might quit, and that's giving me nightmares. Unemployment is already at 10% -- a 26-year high. Frankly, Conan, I can't afford to have even one more American out of work. My approval ratings won't bear it.
Oh please. Don't talk to me about ratings. The Tonight Show is down 52% in the last twelve months. The lowest ratings in fifteen years! Turns out all the viewers we thought we had on my old show had simply fallen asleep during Leno. All the while, I thought America loved me.
I know the feeling. My job approval rating has fallen to 46% in only twelve months. I was flying high at 70% when I took office. Now, my numbers are falling faster than Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab's underpants. I promised America 3.5 million new jobs. Think about it, Conan. You went to Harvard. If you can't hold down a job in this economy, who can? That's why you've got to stick it out at NBC, at least until the midterms. Please, do it as a favor -- from one under-appreciated Harvard grad to another.
I don't know.
C'mon, man. NBC is paying you what -- like $20 million a year? What difference does thirty minutes make?
I'm sorry Mr. President. Life has no meaning for me at 12:05, no matter how many millions they throw at me.
I'm very disappointed to hear that, Conan. You owe me! I was the first sitting President to ever go on the Tonight Show.
First of all, that was when Leno still had the show. And secondly, that wasn't very Presidential.
(awkward silence)
I see. In that case, I came prepared to compromise. If you won't stay at your job, I'll offer you a new one. How would you like to run Homeland Security? I'm about to give Napolitano the boot anyway, so it's really no trouble.
I have a better idea. After we both lose our jobs, let's start a new late night show together on FOX. You can be my sidekick. And we'll spend every night making fun of President Palin.