President Barack Obama has eaten everywhere, from low-key burger joints to swanky prix fixe dining rooms. He talked with China's president and Vladimir Putin, and he's made speeches on hot topics from marriage equality to abortion and gun control.
But the most poignant lessons Obama has imparted to us, my fellow Americans, come through the humble frozen dessert.
Whether a shave ice in Hawaii or standard vanilla in Iowa, the Commander-in-Chief has some important things say about both cone consumption and how to live this American life.
1. Firstly, you must appraise the cone. This is YOUR country. This is YOUR cone. Can you veto it and exchange for a different, more perfect scoop? YES YOU CAN.
2. Open wide. This will prevent drippage, as well as show those pesky North Koreans that WE DON’T MESS AROUND.
3. Use a spoon to eat a cone. It’s unconventional, yes, but then again so was democracy in the days of our forefathers.
4. And if you hit a spoon recession, do not panic. Try the side-bite. MY FELLOW AMERICANS, WE DO NOT GIVE UP.
5. It’s okay to eat before you pay. WE WILL NOT WAIT FOR CHANGE.
6. Focus on the flavors. Draw them out. This especially applies to shave ice.
7. This is not a top-down democracy, friends. But top-down IS the way to approach soft serve.
8. If you find a passable ice cream shop, tell your constituents. LET'S FOSTER SMALL BUSINESS TOGETHER.
9. Shave ice is like healthcare: if your first approach doesn’t work, just switch to another.
10. Savor every moment. THAT’S the American way.