WASHINGTON -- The Daily Caller broke the news Friday that a single anonymous source is pretty sure he heard correctly when another guy told him that President Barack Obama probably got a 2.6 grade-point average at Columbia University. While The Daily Caller could not confirm this information, because why would it bother to do something like that, the report did raise a host of questions about this man -- Barack Obama -- who wants to be our president, and who indeed has been our president, despite the fact that we know almost nothing about him, because no television cameras have been pointed at him ever, in his life.
One of the more obvious questions that The Daily Caller's exclusive "some stuff someone heard about a grade-point average" story immediately raised was, "Is it true that the honorary degree that Barack Obama received from the University of Michigan was printed on rolling papers?" This is a subject that has been the source of much speculation, for many hours. But we need wonder no longer.
Seven sources who have email accounts and know how to type words have contacted The Huffington Post Friday to independently confirm that the honorary degree that Obama received from the University of Michigan was totally printed on rolling papers. We have agreed to protect the anonymity of these sources, as each has expressed a certain amount of fear for their livelihoods, should they become known as the sources for this story. We feel, however, that their accounts, which corroborate one another, are reliable enough to go ahead and write a blog post about this.
Naturally, these accounts are contradicted by the evidence -- by which I mean, the lack thereof. Obama has thus far refused to release his honorary degree from the University of Michigan to confirm whether it was printed on rolling papers, or if the degree, once obtained, was utilized as an enclosure for -- as it's known on the streets -- "dat sticky-icky." In refusing to release the degree, the White House has fallen back on the excuse, "Well, this is actually the first time we have ever been asked about this." But, remember, Barack Obama promised to make his administration the "most transparent White House in history."
To use the parlance of The New York Times, a portrait emerges, of a president who is all too willing to just receive, into his hands, an honorary degree from the University of Michigan that is printed on rolling papers. Given the fact that Obama's fondness for what the kids call "the chronic," is well documented, it would not be unfair to speculate that the president has already used the honorary degree to roll what are commonly referred to as "blunts." It is possible -- indeed, even likely -- that the president took some of these "blunts" to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, to "smoke up" with the jobs numbers wonks ahead of the past few months' positive jobs reports. That could mean that the glowing reports feature statistics that were both figuratively and literally "baked to perfection."
The story does not end there. The Huffington Post was given information Friday, from a variety of very credible people with very credible email accounts, about a host of additional looming scandals and uncertainties about President Barack Obama, who was never properly vetted, if you recall, which means the "auto bailout" he has touted on the stump may not even have happened and thus, the American cars you think you are driving may not even exist.
One source told The Huffington Post that while he was at Columbia, Obama used to order pizza with ham and pineapple, a violation of both his Muslim faith (face it, it's soooo obvious) and NYC pizza etiquette. Another source has tipped us that Obama is actually "an alien from a hostile, warlike planet in the Orion system ... sent here to weaken the greatest military power on Earth" and that "once we are weakened, in his second term, they will invade and he will immediately surrender."
Another source told The Huffington Post that he sat next to a guy on a plane who knows New York Jets owner Woody Johnson, and that guy says that Obama is directly responsible for suppressing Tim Tebow's playing time and thus, the spread of his Christian beliefs. The source could not explain how Obama was doing this, but it is probably related to either the pineapple pizzas or the whole alien thing, or maybe another thing entirely.
Again, these are all actual people who have sent us actual emails. Very credible, these folks.
Other sources have come forward to tell us the following things. Obama was way into other drugs with the street names "cumin" and "habanero" while at Columbia. Additionally, he was running a scam at the Ivy League school in which he'd purchase day-old bread and sell it across the international date line as "fresh." And we have been assured, by a super-reliable source with a perfectly decent Internet connection that in Obama's case, "the curtain does not match the drapes."
Perhaps most disturbing was this: "Obama is going to make cupcakes ILLEGAL in his second term." This however, was contradicted by another tip we received: "DON’T YOU HAVE BETTER THINGS TO WRITE ABOUT. SOME OF YOU MEDIA PEOPLE, TAKE THE CAKE."
Obviously, more clarity is needed here. How will Obama make cupcakes illegal if "some of you media people" are already seizing the cake supply? We need to crowdsource this: PLEASE, AMERICA, TELL ME ABOUT THE STATE OF YOUR CAKE. Do you have some cake? What kind of cake is it? Is it moist? Is the frosting creamy? Does it have sprinkles?
Please send all information you have about your cake to me via Twitter, right now. We need to get to the bottom of this before Election Day.
[Would you like to follow me on Twitter? Because why not?]