Obama Implores Snowden's Neck Mole to Become NSA Mole


A brainstorming session with top intelligence officials has spawned a proverbial 'Aha! moment' that the Obama administration hopes will lead to the arrest and extradition of NSA whistleblower/bulwark of civil liberties, Edward Snowden.

Baffled, out of ideas, and extremely disappointed with the NSA's inability to track down one guy (despite their history of successfully monitoring millions of people), the Obama administration has reportedly reached out to the prominent mole on Edward Snowden's neck for assistance.

An unnamed, mid-level NSA operative (who is conceivably spying on you as you read this very sentence) provided the following statement:

"Strategically, it makes perfect sense - Snowden's mole is privy to every word Snowden utters, not to mention that, since moles share the same sleep/wake cycle as the human whose skin they inhabit, Snowden's mole is in the unique position to provide, literally, 24-hour-a-day surveillance."

Reports indicate that President Obama personally appealed to said mole to do its patriotic duty and assume the position of a deep cover NSA mole functionary (but not in a literal sense, as the mole would, of course, remain on Snowden's neck), and provide Snowden's whereabouts so the administration may bring him to what it loosely refers to as "justice."

A source close to Snowden's mole indicated that the mole is considering President Obama's proposition, citing the mole's interest in a reality television series or diplomatic ambassadorship as a negotiating point. However, another source close to Snowden's mole contends that any interest might simply be a matter of spite, referring to a recent conversation where the mole offered the following diatribe:

"Remember the 90s? Cindy Crawford's beauty mark? Where the hell is my fame and glory? Edward and I could have had it all - cosmetic endorsements, the cover of Playgirl. But instead, I'm exiled to Venezuela! You're damn right I'm pissed off!" Moreover, Snowden's mole reportedly attributes a Twitter marriage proposal from Russian spy, Anna Chapman, entirely to its (the mole) existence along the erogenous zone of Snowden's neckline.

Long-term, the NSA is reportedly recruiting Snowden's mole to fill Snowden's vacant position at Booz Allen Hamilton, attempting to woo the mole with incentives like a six-figure salary and the flexibility to spy on people from anywhere, namely picturesque Hawaii.

Reports that Snowden is seriously considering surgical removal of his mole have not been confirmed. Snowden's mole reportedly finds such speculation dubious, and is quoted as saying, "Edward may be sore over the infringement of his civil liberties, a couple of constitutional amendments being in peril, and living in a world uncannily resembling that from George Orwell's 1984, but he's well aware America still has the best health care system in the world. There's no chance he's hiring a quack doctor with a degree from an online Venezuelan university to saw me off with a rusty knife in some back alley."

Despite the mole's conviction, the aforementioned NSA operative has confirmed that every dermatologist in Venezuela, as well as Bolivia, is under heavy surveillance. However, the operative noted that since the NSA is essentially monitoring everyone on the planet anyway, nobody should view the specific surveillance of South American dermatologists as an earth-shattering revelation, nor should they be surprised by it.

Exploring All Options:

A last option reportedly under consideration by the Obama administration entails convincing Snowden's mole to go rogue and turn malignant, potentially killing Snowden slowly via a type of melanoma. A source within the NSA, however, hinted that Obama is unenthusiastic about such a prolonged solution, citing the fact that his second term concludes in 2016.

The source added that although, "the bastard is giving Obama ulcers," if Snowden's mole couldn't muster a more lethal and hastily spreading form of melanoma, the issue would become moot because, "Come 2016, he's not worrying about a whistleblower, or a whistleblower's mole, while commanding six-figure fees on the lecture circuit." Snowden's mole responded by stating, "I'd consider going malignant... just make me a reality TV star, and an ambassador to a low-maintenance member state of the European Union."

Russia's Offer of Asylum:

Negotiations regarding asylum with Russian President, Vladimir Putin, reportedly broke down when Snowden allegedly broached the infamous Super Bowl ring incident in a failed attempt at banter, at which point Putin became apoplectic, tearing off his shirt and violently beating his bare chest like a gorilla. After being restrained, Putin ended the confab by screaming at Snowden to, "Take this ruble, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your neck!" Putin is, apparently, a fan of the John Hughes film, Uncle Buck.

Snowden was reportedly last seen in Moscow's Sheremetyevo Airport, applying a Band-Aid soaked in chloroform and ether over his mole while shouting, "Shut up, you stupid mole! I hate you!" Reports that Snowden's mole has been rendered unconscious, and that all communication between the mole and Obama has been halted, were not confirmed.