It's Election Night 2012, and President Barack Obama has just lost a tight race against Mitt Romney. The key to Romney's victory? Massachusetts, a staunchly liberal state that turned red after Obama foolishly offended Red Sox fans with his sarcastic comments about Kevin Youkilis getting traded to his beloved Chicago White Sox earlier in the summer. Here now is Obama's speech in the wake of that devastating defeat.
Obama: I would like to take this moment now to congratulate Governor Romney. While I'm disappointed that we fought so hard only to come up short, I respect the wishes of the American people, and I would like President Elect Romney to know that he has my full, unconditional support, and that I will do everything in my power to ensure a smooth transiti...
Red Sox Fan: FACK YOU!
Obama: Not while I'm speaking, please.
Red Sox Fan: FACK YOU, YOU GLASS CAWK! This what you fackin' get fah tawnting the LEGENDARY FANS OF YOUKILIS NATION!
Obama: Sir, you're being awfully rude...
Red Sox Fan: Just like you were-ah when you stole ow-ah Youk away from us!
Obama: I was being facetious, sir.
Red Sox Fan: YOU LIE! You cannawt know how deeply that cut us! SHADES OF BUCKNAH. Oh sure-ah, Youk is a dickhole. But he was OW-AH dickhole! No fanbase has ever had a closah relationship with its dickhole! AND YOU DID NAWT GET THAT! Americans vote as Red Sox Nation votes! IT'S THE SAWXCONOMY, STUPID. Guvnahhh Rawnmey gets it! HE IS A TRUE CITIZEN OF SAWX NATION!
[cut to Mitt Romney in pink Red Sox hat celebrating with fellow Republicans]
Obama: Sir, I must object to you interrupting...
Red Sox Fan: FACK YOU! FACK YOU! FACK YOU! Finally, we have a President who will suppaht Sawx-friendly policies! No taxes on the top 1 percent of teams in the AL East! No abortions except in the case of Yankee fans! And no gay marriage between you and OW-AH YOUK! Thanks fahhh the election, losah!
Obama: Oh, the hell with this. I'm out of here.
Red Sox Fan: I'm nawt through Neil Munro-ing you! You folded fastah than the Yanks in '04! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
By Drew Magary, GQ