Washington, DC - In an apparent effort to reach an agreement with his Republican opponents, President Obama today expressed his willingness to reconsider his claims of American birth. Speaking from the Oval Office, he said:
It's time to stop playing the old Washington games. We need to work together to do what's best for the American people. Disagreements are so... well... disagreeable. Everyone's point of view must be respected and given its due. To that end, I am appointing a bipartisan commission to investigate and adjudicate the merits of the arguments my conservative brothers and sisters have made about my Kenyan origins.
According to a press release from the White House, the commission will be co-chaired by Nebraska Senator Ben Nelson and Karl Rove, former advisor to President George W. Bush. In a joint statement issued after the President's remarks, Mr. Nelson and Mr. Rove said, "We are committed to putting partisan differences aside, and objectively determining exactly which Muslim nation the President was born in."
In a surprising nod to Jon Stewart, Mr. Obama credited his softening on this issue to the "Rally to Restore Sanity" recently organized by the Comedy Central TV host. As the President put it, "Jon helped me realize just how immoderate my approach to moderation has been. This is clearly the reason why so many of those young people who voted for me in 2008 decided to stay home in this last election. By militantly insisting that I was a native-born American, I was being just as inflexible and rancorous as my opponents. There's no reason my administration can't move more to the center here. So, I promise to listen to them on this matter. And, whatever the commission decides, I will direct the appropriate authorities to adjust my birth certificate accordingly."
This latest move to meet the Republicans half way comes within days of the President finally relenting on demands by GOP leaders that he issue an executive order privatizing the Social Security Administration. Funds for that former government agency will now be managed a consortium of Las Vegas hotel-casinos. Responding to concerns of worried retirees, Mario Buttafuoco, spokesman for the consortium, said last week, "Hey, no problem. As we say in our business, the house always wins." Passionate advocate for the plan, Republican House Speaker John Boehner, told reporters the next day, "That's our new motto, as well."