President Obama's 2017 To-Do List

The big White House grandfather clock, or the iPhone depending on how President Obama keeps track of time, is ticking down on the commander-in-chief's final year in office. And speculation abounds over the items on his to-do list.

Close Guantanamo, change federal sentencing mandates, end the civil war in Syria, appoint a new Supreme Court justice and score some decent tickets to Hamilton: An American Musical have all been kicked around by Obama and his supporters. Critics argue that Obama has neither the time, the votes in Congress nor the appropriate connections at StubHub to achieve any of these desires. Furthermore, they wonder, why bother if the GOP nominee wins in November?

Frontrunners Donald Trump and Ted Cruz, along with look-at-me-I-carried-Puerto-Rico! candidate Marco Rubio have all vowed to spend their first day in office dumping every piece of legislation bearing Obama's signature into the White House shredder. Assuming printouts of Hillary Clinton's emails haven't already rendered it inoperable.

I'm inclined to agree that Obama is wasting his time thinking there will be any more presidential victories, which is why I'm suggesting he concentrate on his POST-presidency goals. No doubt he's already started crafting a bucket list of sorts. It's probably hidden in the far recesses of his desk, next to the brochure of that Caribbean destination he has been staring at daily since April 2013, when legislation to expand background checks on firearms sales died in the Senate. I'm certain Michelle has already secured a two-week stay, beginning January 20, 2017, in the presidential suite.

Hey, old habits die hard.

Daiquiri in hand, Obama will lounge on a hammock overlooking the crystal blue sea, bored Secret Service agents lurking nearby, and lay groundwork for turning the following bullet pointed items into reality:

  • Finish one-man Broadway show. Working title? Nailin' Palin!

  • Resume smoking. Finally agree with former House Speaker John Boehner on something, namely that Marlboros are, and will always be, the top-selling brand.
  • Find space in new residence for Roger Ailes dartboard.
  • Agree to another televised interview with Bill O'Reilly. Begin the exchange by blurting out, "Hey, old man, does Megyn Kelly host the Republican debates because she's beating you in the ratings, or do they air past your bedtime?"
  • Just for fun, fill out college financial aid forms for oldest daughter Malia. Write "unknown since 2008" on family income line.
  • Get pointers from both daughters on how to effectively photobomb. Practice by following Donald Trump around for a day.
  • Show that Russia and the United States can peacefully co-exist by appearing on Dancing with the Stars with Russian professional Anna Trebunskaya. Invite Vladimir Putin to award the mirror ball trophy should the pair win.
  • Watch and re-watch the House of Cards season two episode where Frank Underwood pushes intrepid reporter Zoe Barnes in front of a moving train. Laugh and applaud.
  • Send daily messages to House Speaker Paul Ryan requesting extra Candy Crush lives.
  • Return to Chicago and attend City Council meeting. After five minutes, declare the U.S. Congress to be the world's SECOND most dysfunctional governing body.
  • Stroll through any Colorado neighborhood containing a marijuana dispensary. Inhale deeply. Gain fresh perspective on presidency.
  • Shop almost completed autobiography to New York publishing houses. Working title? No, Thank YOU, John McCain.
  • Reluctantly admit it was he who sent those top secret emails to Hillary Clinton's private server. Vow to learn nuances of Snapchat in post-presidential life.
  • Assuming it still exists, sign up for health coverage under the Affordable Care Act. Request that medical insurance card contain the sentence, "Made possible thanks to me!"
  • Regardless of whether Bernie Sanders wins the presidency, phone him daily to make sure he's still awake.
  • Cement legacy by becoming first ex-president to host Saturday Night Live.