Of Course Hillary Clinton Is 'Qualified' to Be President: She's Already Above the Law

Responsible Democrats are shocked and horrified to learn that Bernie Sanders, the apparently infamous Vermont assault rifle lobbyist according to Hillary Clinton, has accused Clinton of not being inevitably presidential enough, according to Twitter.

How could he? And furthermore, doesn't Sanders realize that Hillary has mastered the Zen of Henry Kissinger -- "the illegal we do immediately; the unconstitutional takes a little longer"? What's more presidential than that?

Hillary Clinton has dismissed the ongoing FBI investigation into her private e-mail server, insisting that the whole affair is a political witch hunt instigated by the ghost of Andrew Breitbart. "I did not email any classified material to anyone on my email [server]. There is no classified material," according to Clinton.

Unfortunately for Clinton, the government has deemed 22 of her e-mails "too classified" to be made public, and says that at least 2,079 e-mails contain classified material - not including the 31,830 e-mails that she attempted to "wipe" from her server before the FBI rudely seized it.

But luckily for Clinton, her longtime aide, Huma Abedin, is a seasoned optimist. In a recent podcast interview, Abedin said that she "had heard about a woman who decided to back Clinton after reading her emails because she felt she got to know her better through her personal writing. 'She saw what a warm, caring, thoughtful, determined person she was,' Abedin said."

Abedin then added, "I can't even imagine what's in those emails. But I'm sure I would probably be mortified." A mixed message? No, it's just 2016.

Abedin herself is no stranger to scandal. Her husband, former congressman Anthony Weiner, resigned after it was revealed that he was sending strange internet women pictures of his nether regions. There are even accusations that Abedin shared classified information from Clinton's e-mail server with her husband. Conservatives, God bless them, have invented some rather zany (that's our polite way of saying "completely stupid") theories about Abedin. This doesn't change the fact that her boss broke the law.

Blaming the "vast right-wing conspiracy" for all her misfortunes might have worked for Clinton in the 90s; not anymore. By her own standards, Clinton should be rotting in a jail cell:

In December 2011, Chelsea Manning's court-martial was set to begin. None of the documents at issue in that prosecution was "top secret," unlike the documents found on Hillary Clinton's server.

[...]
Manning was convicted and sentenced to 35 years in prison. At the time, the only thing Hillary Clinton had to say about that was to issue a sermon about how classified information "deserves to be protected and we will continue to take necessary steps to do so" because it "affect[s] the security of individuals and relationships."

That was during the time that she had covertly installed a non-government server and was using it and a personal email account to receive classified and, apparently, even top-secret information.

The moral of this story is: Bernie Sanders must apologize to Hillary Clinton. She's already above the law -- the only real qualification you need to become president.