Of course my mother pushes my buttons!

Of course my mother pushes my buttons!
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“Of course my mother pushes my buttons… she installed them!” This is quoted from one of my coach training weekends. It sounds familiar, doesn’t it? (Moms, please don’t take offense. Feel free to insert “my father” if that is more accurate.)

When you read it, do you hear your child talking about you, or you talking about your own parents? Either way, we all have hot buttons that influence how we interpret what we hear and how we react. (By the way, sometimes what you heard isn’t exactly what the other person meant, but that’s an article for another day.) As a parent, you have spent many years nurturing and protecting your child. Now this child is a teenager and thinks s/he is an adult… and doesn’t hesitate to tell you so (hot button)! You may find yourself trying to impose your own logic and life experience (hot button). You may feel the need to fix it for them. After all, you’ve been there, done that, right? (hot button) This approach often leaves both you and your child frustrated.

When my children, now in their late 20s, ask me when I will stop worrying about them, I tell them it won’t happen until I stop breathing. I’ll always worry about them. It’s what parents do. But there is a difference between thoughts and feelings, and actions and reactions. This is where you become aware of your button and decide not to act on it.

Too often parents feel that they must respond immediately – with advice, a yes or no to a request, or consequences. A button has been pushed and your gut tells you to act, to make a decision right away. Instead, take a moment to reflect. How would it feel to say, “I’ll get back to you on that,” or “I have some strong feelings about that. I need to think about what you’ve just told me.” When you respond this way, you’re telling your child that you really listened. You’re breaking down defensive walls and opening up to meaningful communication.

Reacting and responding in a more thoughtful, less emotional way is critical to a healthy relationship between you and your teen. To improve these skills, consider “How to Talk So Teens Will Listen” by Faber & Mazlish. It’s an older book, but the content is just as relevant today as it was 20 years ago.

There is no EASY button in parenting; however, you can cool down your hot buttons and draw your child closer to you. And it is never too late to start.

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Fern Weis is a Parent Coach and Family Recovery Life Coach. She works with parents of teens and young adults who are going through difficult situations, from homework battles to addiction recovery, and all points in between. Fern helps parents release guilt, end enabling, and confidently prepare their children to reach their unique potential and be successful through life’s challenges. www.fernweis.com, www.familyrecoverypartners.com

Fern is the Parenting Expert at Change Your Attitude...Change Your Life, heard on NYC’s WOR710AM radio. Listen to her interviews on CYACYL, and audio tips on Soundcloud.

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