Do you live in a space in your head that really isn’t relevant to you right now, today? I think this might be true for so many people. We constantly tell ourselves stories every day, we are all storytellers. These stories I am afraid are often not good, especially the ones we tell ourselves about ourselves.
I am not good enough. MMM I am fat. I look like shit. I am ugly. I am not smart enough. I will never be good enough. I can’t do that. Sure look you can’t be going there, doing that, saying that, trying that or getting into that. This is normally all before 9am…. So as the day goes on this internal dialogue only gets worse depending on what people you meet and what situations you get thrown into.
From my own experience and from reading and listening to a lot of people who have changed the shape of their bodies by either losing weight or gaining it, the internal self-dialogue can be a real battle field. I know people who were a little or much larger than they are right now today in 2017 and still they hold onto that fear, that fear that they have and had about returning to the place where they were big, larger or quite politely rotund. I think I myself will always have that fear too. I was a complete Tubster and it has taken me 5 years of hard training and constant reminders that who I am now physically is me, I am not an imposter. This is it. Ah but then you have one extra slice of bread or devour a share bag of Maltesers and well you think that’s it, game over lights out.
I was thinking about this today as my friend Martina who after I admired her jeans said I’ll get you a pair. As I am not buying anything this year, I naturally said “ oh no no no” pure Irish style but before she had a chance to say “ are you sure?” I was like “ aaaaaaaaaaammmmm actually I would love a pair” Martina said what size will I get for you. I said a 10, then I panicked “what if they arrive and don’t fit” … then I would have to play that old tune “Oh they were fab hun but the colour, style just didn’t work…. Not the fact that I couldn’t get them past my knees”
Today, The jeans arrived. I pulled them out, and then slipped them on, no hassle. Still had that fear. How will I tell Martina I needed the 22 not the 10. It made me realise that this shit we as women definitely do more so than men, has to stop. Me more than anyone. I am going to make a very proactive conscious effort with this.
One thing though to point out for me, being in shape and in the shape I want to be in does not come easily. I love training but train between 7-11 times per week, I am very active in my lifestyle. Cruising on my bike and walking over driving and I really try and eat well for myself. This is my life now and has been for 5 years, it’s my lifestyle and it’s just how I roll. It is not a guide for anyone else. We must find out what we enjoy and what suits us, but in the quest for health you must at least start looking and trying. Movement is key and for total non-aesthetic reasons, being mindful of your own wellbeing and how your health is, is in fact your responsibility.
For now I am going to realise that the me of today and now in 2017 is in fact my reality and not the past of 2003 that is not who is here anymore.
All donations of stylish footwear accepted #Size8
