Dearest Donovan,
Oh, how I love you. Endlessly and endlessly, my son. In you, all my darkness becomes light. In you, all my winters fall gently into summer. The dark clouds sweep away, and the sky is clear and bright.
I never knew I could love like this, Donovan. This love I give to you comes from a place within me, so undamaged and pure, so unselfish and true. I want everything for you. And then I want to give you more.
Sometimes I get lost in the chaos. I get lost when you spill chocolate milk on the sofa. I get lost when you blast Gangnam Style on repeat. I get lost when you talk about poo and farting and everything else I definitely do not want other moms to hear! I get lost in the rhythm of our daily chaos.
I shake my head and frown. I put on my mommy cap, and I clean up your crumbs. I button your shirt, tie your shoelaces, scramble your eggs, and hustle out the door without the chance for a breath. I get lost, Donnie, and I shut my eyes.
Then all of the sudden, I notice your warm little hand nestled inside mine. Your warm little hand fits so perfectly there. You readjust your fingers so that our hands are perfectly interlaced. I glance down and see your big brown eyes shining upon me. It is in that moment, my Donovan, I am reminded that you love me like I’ve never been loved before.
Your little hand interlaced with mine - this is such a gift. It makes me want to be better. It reminds me that I am lucky. It reminds me of all the goodness in the world.
Donovan, because of you, I want to find in myself more compassion and strength. To find grace. To stop frowning, judging, and complaining. To just look to the sun and let the light set me free. You do all of that just with the warmth of your hand in mine. You make me want to fight for a better version of myself.
Thank you, Donovan, for choosing me. I have never known such joy as being your mama.
Love,
Mommy
