Oh, the (Re)Horror!

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Conservative radio host Linda Harvey recently discussed the dangers of gay men preying on children. She was talking with guest Peter LaBarbera on a Mission: America episode titled “Homosexuality and the Predator Issue.” Harvey asked, “How do we re-horrify people about the sin of homosexuality? People are becoming so comfortable with this, even people on our side. We need to re-horrify them.”

There is no easy answer here. LaBarbera admits, “I think it is very complicated.”

Let me offer some assistance. In an effort to re-horrify a complacent America, I present a terrifying account of my gay lifestyle. What follows is a breakdown of what I did on Tuesday, a typically scary day. [Warning: this may be graphic and intense for some readers.]

Here goes:

I was awakened by our cats and dogs around 6:30 AM. We have a lot of rescue animals – 5 dogs and 3 cats – and they make quite a ruckus. They are not particularly terrifying. Actually, they are kind of cute. But, if it helps, when I fed them, they attacked their food ferociously.

Then I made myself some breakfast. I am originally from Long Island so I have a fondness for bagels in the morning. When I have more time to cook, I enjoy an egg and cheese sandwich on a bagel. This is scary if you consider the cholesterol levels and calorie counts.

I took a shower (cue the Psycho music). By this time, my husband had awakened, and he took a shower after mine. I realize this scenario would be much more terrifying to a conservative reader if we had taken a shower together. However, our house is small and we would not fit in the shower together easily.

My husband and I have been together for 22 years and we were legally married 4 years ago. That fact alone should scare the bejesus out of you.

My husband went to work and I headed off with one of my dogs to the Children’s Hospital. I am a volunteer there in the pet therapy program. I have trained one of my dogs – a special needs dog with only 2 legs that walks in a little doggy wheelchair – to be a therapy dog. I am sure that it may be frightening to some readers that this gay man is volunteering at a hospital for children. However, truth be told, I have never thought of recruiting a child to the gay lifestyle. I have never preyed on, harmed, molested, or accosted a child in any way (the hospital makes sure all of its volunteers have a full criminal and child abuse background check). Rather, I am at the hospital in the hopes that my dog will provide a little comfort and inspiration. But, I guess it is terrifying to think that a gay man is breathing the same air as children in a hospital, right? If it makes it any scarier, I am fairly certain that there are some gay doctors, nurses, and staff members in the hospital, too.

I drove back home. The ride is about an hour each way, so I listened to some chapters of an audio book while I drove. It is a murder mystery with suspenseful and chilling moments.

I dropped the dog off at home, grabbed a quick lunch, and then went to work. I am a college professor. It might be pretty chilling to think that I am around young people at my work, too. But, again, I have never thought of recruiting (or preying on, molesting, etc.) any of these students. Education is my focus. But the thought that our education system has gay people in it may be bloodcurdling to some.

We are on a winter break now, so I am not teaching during these weeks. (Whew! – that must be a relief if you are reading this and were getting really scared.) My afternoon was filled with meetings with colleagues. This was not particularly eerie or anything. Well … in one of the meetings, we did not follow Robert’s Rules thoroughly. So, you know, that could be considered alarming.

I ran to the supermarket and got some groceries for dinner. That’s right – a gay man was in close proximity to the food that you may have purchased for your dinner! Spine-chilling, yes?

I fed the dogs and cats. They were hungry and were even more savage in eating their food than they were in the morning.

My husband came home. We sat down to dinner and talked about our day. This is frightening: gay people are normalizing eating dinner and chatting. Downright eerie.

After dinner, we sat down and watched the comedy, Girls Trip. I add this detail because (and I may be going out on a limb here) I assume that Mission:America listeners who find gay people terrifying would also be unnerved by the empowered, independent, black women in the film.

Eventually, we got tired and laid down together in – wait for it – the same bed! Aaaaaaaaah!

The stress of the terror of our gay day is overwhelming. We are both pretty exhausted and fall asleep almost immediately. Another horrifying, hair-raising day awaits us tomorrow.