Oh, What A Tangled Web He Weaves

ORLANDO, FL - NOVEMBER 13:  Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson speaks during the Sunshine Summit conference being h
ORLANDO, FL - NOVEMBER 13: Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson speaks during the Sunshine Summit conference being held at the Rosen Shingle Creek on November 13, 2015 in Orlando, Florida. The summit brought Republican presidential candidates in front of the Republican voters. (Photo by Joe Raedle/Getty Images)

In the last few weeks we have seen Republican Presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson defend himself against the press for allegations of lying about his past. This got me thinking, is he telling the truth about anything? I have to admit that I'm anxiously waiting to hear him say the words, "I'm not a doctor, but I play one on T.V."

Here is a transcript from a recent press conference. You be the judge.

Reporter: "You claim that you were offered a full scholarship by West Point. Yet there is no evidence to support this."

Dr. Carson: "Did I say I was offered a scholarship to West Point? I'm so sorry. I admit that I was wrong. I meant to say East Point. My mistake."

Reporter: "In your autobiography, you wrote that you pulled a knife on someone and hit his belt buckle instead, which saved his life. No one can find proof of this incident."

Dr. Carson: "Sure I pulled a knife on someone. I've pulled knives on a lot of people. I'm a surgeon. The reason why most of the people have no recollection of the incident is because they're under anesthesia. Let me ask you a question. If a knife hits a belt buckle and there's no one around to hear it, does it make a sound?

Reporter: "You claim that you tried to stab a classmate and yet none of your other classmates have come forward to say this is true. "

Dr. Carson: "Well, of course, you can't find anyone that recalls the incident where I pulled a knife on my classmate. I killed them all. I didn't want any witnesses. I'm not an idiot."

Reporter: "You wrote in your autobiography that after that incident that you found God. "

Dr. Carson: "I did find God. In fact, when I found God, I pulled a knife on him. But he was God so he had a really really big belt buckle that was able to stop the knife. "

Reporter: "It's funny that no one can recall that you had a history of violence. "

Dr. Carson: "I do have a history of violence. Can't you hear it in my voice? I'm an angry man."

Reporter: "Many people are saying that your autobiography contains quite a few inaccuracies. How do you answer these allegations?"

Dr. Carson: "How absurd is that. My autobiography? Do you think I would lie to myself?"

Reporter: "You recently talked about the pyramids in Egypt and your belief as to who built them. Can you elaborate on this?"

Dr. Carson: "My own personal theory is that Joseph built the pyramids to store grain. Thus Joseph also created what we now know as public storage. If you have read the Bible, you know that weren't any public storage units around at the time."

Reporter: "So you believe that Joseph built the pyramids as public storage units?"

Dr. Carson: "Yes. Not only did he store grain but he also used it to store clothes that were too small for him. He thought he would take off some weight and eventually be able to wear them again. He also stored his kid's school artwork and the dishes that his parents gave him for his wedding that his wife didn't like. Oh and I also understand that people stored their mummies in there.

Reporter: "You were raised by a single mom yet you went on to a very successful career as a neurosurgeon. What do you attribute this to?"

Dr. Carson: "My mom is a very strong woman who taught me right from wrong and how to work hard to achieve my goals. It was tough for my mom. My dad left when I was really young. The only time I saw him was if I stayed up late to watch TV. His name was Johnny Carson."

Reporter: "I know that's not true. Johnny Carson was not your...

Dr. Carson: "Not true? Then why would we both have the same last name of Carson? Coincidence?"

Reporter: "In your autobiography, you claim that you almost hit your mother with a hammer."

Dr. Carson: "I blame that incident on a bad role model. Moe of the Three Stooges. Luckily, I came to my senses, asked her to pick two fingers and just poked her in the eyes. Just a week before that happened I twisted my uncle's nose with a pair of pliers."

Reporter: "It seems that you have lied about so many things in your life. How could you ever expect to be elected president?"

Dr. Carson: "Don't you think it's better to get all of the lies out of the way before you become president? That way the country will have a president they can trust. Someone who's done lying. I'm out of lies. Think about it. "

Reporter: "Do you see yourself as a uniter or a divider? "

Dr. Carson: "As a uniter. Unless it's conjoined twins."
(A SOUND IS EMITTED FROM HIS MOUTH THAT APPEARS TO BE AN AWKWARD LAUGH. AS IF HE'S ATTEMPTING TO LAUGH FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIFE.)
"That's a little neurosurgeon humor."

Reporter: "Is there anything else that you would like to tell us today?"

Dr. Carson: "Yes I would just like to say, in closing, that I am sick and tired of being attacked by the press. In fact, from now on, the only member of the press that I would like to be interviewed by is someone that understands me for who I am and does not question anything that I have ever said or written about my earlier life. He is a true journalist whom I have the utmost respect for. Mr. Brian Williams.