I awoke to my 6AM alarm clock, something I hadn’t had to use in quite some time because – kids. I threw my pajamas off and jumped in the shower. I had my outfit picked out the night before, as any type A person would. So, by the time my boys sleepily made their way into our room to have a cup of milk and watch an episode of “Blaze and The Monster Machines” before camp, I was all zipped up and midway through makeup application. My kids knew it was a special occasion.
You see, the time had finally come. It was my first day back to work after taking two-and-a-half years off to raise my sons. I was beyond excited, albeit a bit nervous, but really genuinely ready to take on this new challenge and begin this new chapter. I had no idea what was in store but I specifically chose this amazing company doing incredible things to make our world a better place. So whatever it was, I could do it. I knew there would be balancing to figure out. And I knew that life would change. But I felt ready.
I kissed my kids and husband good-bye, got into the car and was off. From that moment on, I was captivated. I dove right in, absorbing everything around me with all of my being to get up to speed as quickly as possible. And within that initial week, I learned that my very first task would be leading a breast cancer initiative. So, again, I wasted no time – day in and day out teaching myself more and more about breast cancer. Every conversation I had was on breast cancer. Every meeting was focused around breast cancer. Every email I sent, document or deck I created, article I read…everything was about breast cancer.
Then, right in the midst of this all, I received a call from a person close to my heart. Actually, the person I admire most in this world – my long-time mentor and friend. I knew something wasn’t right. “I have breast cancer,” she said. My heart sank. I fought back tears. I was overeducated and underprepared on how to process this information and where to go from here. And then, it all changed.
Work became inextricably linked to her. There wasn’t a second I didn’t think about her in the context of this project and beyond. And as difficult as that has been, it’s given a whole new meaning to what I was doing, what we were creating. She became the driving force, for me, to continue on.
I came home after a long day, following an interview with an oncologist, and declared to my husband that I, too, wanted to become a doctor. This, of course, is ridiculous for a myriad of reasons including but not limited to the fact that I actually studied my ass off in high school to get a 4 on the AP Bio test just so I wouldn’t have to take a science class in college. And, to this day, I need to look away and hold the nurse’s hand when I have my blood drawn (yes, even after two pregnancies).
So perhaps I was caught up in the glory of it all. The optimism. The hope. The science. The technology. The ways in which this oncologist was making a difference. And, for the first time since I began this journey, of going back to work, of delving deep into this illness professionally, and then hearing about it from the sidelines personally, I was able to take a step back. You see, I’m at an age where people around me, people I know and people I love might get sick. Life isn’t fair and it will always be hard to watch someone you care about go through an experience like cancer. So…what can I do?
Since I’ve returned to work, compromises have had to be made. Prioritizations have had to happen. Sacrifices have had to occur. There is literally not enough time in the day to do everything. And this very same friend, the one who always has the perfect advice, said to me that when you are short on time, it puts life into perspective and you figure out what really matters. Which, of course, got me thinking about how I can make my time here worth it and how to make it all really matter.
As a quick aside, there are two important things I must confess: 1) I absolutely love movie musicals (I mean, doesn’t everyone?) and 2) I annoyingly but unconsciously analyze song lyrics. So, without fail, Celine Dion’s hauntingly beautiful reprise for Beauty and the Beast (I promise I was with my kids when we saw this in theaters) has made me contemplate time and again, “How does a moment last forever?”
I’m not really sure what the right answer is. Is it taking the time to read my kids an extra book before bed – even though I’ve had a long, trying day and I’m so very tired and on the verge of hangry? Is that extra 5-minute Dr. Seuss cuddle the thing that really counts? Yes, it could be. Is it staying on the phone just a few more minutes catching up with a dear friend from a past life – basking in the joys of our families and trials and tribulations of our careers? Miles away yet right there for one another. Perhaps so. Or is it making sure I do what I’m passionate about – do what I love – every single day, since there’s no time to be unhappy? That seems right.
As I reflect on the impact that returning to work has had, not only on how I view the world, but also how I make each moment count more in the wake of all that I’ve learned, I can’t help but wonder (in a very Carrie Bradshaw kind of way) if we were all to make our moments matter more, wouldn’t life be so much sweeter? I have no doubt that my friend will be just fine, but she serves as a reminder to me that life should never be taken for granted. Though things may come up to test our spirit and perseverance, it’s how we fill our days and the moments that we make count that really matter in the end.