Once upon a time, there was a very successful single woman. You probably know her. Maybe you are her. The amazing, radiant, smart, funny and awesome woman, who's kind, conscious and successful. And single. She is one of the most fantastic women you know (or people keep telling you that you are), but she stays single, against her will.
How come someone who's such a great person to be around, and who's accomplished so much in her life seems to think that it's easier to run an empire than to attract a good partner?
It may seem like a mystery, but it's actually very simple: business and love require two very different skill sets, and she's only mastered one of them.
It began early, at home. She was always "the good girl", very aware of what was expected from her. Fully conscious of everyone's needs, wants and emotions. Fully conscious of who she needed to be to fit in and be, if not loved, at least accepted and safe.
In school she continued The Path of The Good Girl, always always living up to expectations. She got gold stars and good grades, learned to take responsibility, over deliver and never complain.
There is nothing inherently wrong in any of this, but sadly something in her got lost along the way. She forgot how to feel her own needs, wants and emotions. She never got to figure out who she wanted to be, nor to feel loved for who she was, instead of for what she did. And she forgot about her own dreams, since the focus was always on outside expectations.
All of this made her hugely successful in her work life, but miserable in her love life. The skills she had gained were very appreciated by her bosses and coworkers but they didn't get her where she wanted to go in her love life. They couldn't help her create attraction, emotional closeness or a flirtatious vibe on a date. Rather the opposite, actually.
So every endeavor in her work life turned out well, but when she tried going on dates, connecting with someone she was interested in or just wanted to flirt a little bit, she kept failing. Over and over again. And it hurt! So she quit trying, and the negative spiral kept on spinning...
Like anyone would in her situation, she focused more and more on the part of her where she felt in control, appreciated and successful; her job, while neglecting the part that felt hard, confusing, scary and hurt her every time she tried; her love life. And so the pattern grew even stronger.
This worked for a while; being busy at work did distract her most of the time. But her big, beautiful, warm, loving and longing heart never left her alone. No matter how hard she tried to ignore it, it kept reminding her of her (very human) longing for love and connection.
She felt so stuck, and life seemed so unfair, especially when she saw all of her friends getting into relationships, getting married and finding love. She was happy for them, but it hurt and reminded her of her own painful longing. It felt so unfair, why was she the only one left without love?
Maybe the love she wanted was not something that was available to her, she thought. Maybe she just had to accept her fate and realize that she was good att other things and stick to them. A very harsh conclusion, but the only one that she could think of...
This wasn't true, not in the least, but how could she know that? No one ever told her about the things she never learned. No one ever told her about the different skill sets needed for her work life and her love life. No one ever told her that flirting, dating, creating attraction and having loving relationships were skills that she could learn, just like everything else in her life that she had already mastered.
Until someone did. A fairy dating coach godmother, who helped her understand herself, see and appreciate the parts of her that had so long been hidden, and taught her exactly how to make new parts of her emerge and flourish. She got the knowledge and the skill sets she needed to flirt and date with success.
And with ease and grace she learned to feel her emotions again, to let people close (even though it was super scary, but her newfound sense of boundaries helped). She learned to shine, to play and to flirt. She became a fuller version of herself; someone who could create extraordinary results at work and in her love life.
It was perhaps not the easiest thing she ever did, but it was for sure the most meaningful and rewarding thing she ever did.
Because never again did she have to doubt her value as a woman or lover. Never again did she think that there was something wrong with her that kept her single. Never again did she lose hope or feel stuck in that painful powerlessness.
She simply realized that she'd had a knowledge gap, filled that gap by learning a few new insights and skills, and lived happily ever after, fully in charge of her own love life.
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Is her story your story? Have you had enough? Make the change!
About the author: Linnea Molander is a dating coach, writer and speaker with an academic background in positive psychology, cognitive neuroscience and evidence-based coaching. She is the founder of Happy Dating.