This has by far been the most difficult year for me personally in my entire life. It seems I woke up one morning and had lost my marriage, two of my kids, my finances, my career was on the rocks and I almost lost my life. We are only five months in and I see no respite in sight.
I have spent countless hours since January 15 trying to redefine my life personally and career wise. I've reexamined my values, my friendships, my family and my personal struggles, not willing to be defined by any of them, but wanting to be defined by something. I wake up each day wondering what is going to happen within the next twenty-four hours, plugging away at trying to stay above the proverbial water. I'm constantly asking myself how I can get from point A, wherever that may be at the time, to point B. I feel as if I am in the middle of a vast ocean, no land in sight, without so much as a definitive direction in which to swim.
I've read many self-help books, wishing I could either escape into the pages or face my fears and choices head on, but not really having the courage to do either. I am depressed, sad, lonely and completely heart-broken.
I try to no avail to look at the qualities that still remain. Yet those qualities seem to be fleeting as quickly as the days I spend trying to cling to them. I revert to asking the questions 'WHY?' and "WHEN WILL IT GET BETTER?', but I'm faced with a deafening silence that screams back in torturous pain.
Being alone in a world where everything seems greener on the other side is one of the hardest things I've ever faced. The power of being powerless haunts me each and every day of my life. Not waking up would be so much easier than facing the days that seem so much longer than twenty-four hours. Sleeping doesn't give me relief since my dreams are also riddled with aching.
People are all the time telling me that things will get better, that God has something great planned for the suffering, yet it's so very hard to see through to the other side when your thoughts are constantly consumed with the dark.
I don't want to relive the past five months, but I relive them every single hour. The feelings of abandonment, hurt, humiliation and physical achiness proves to be a much stronger hold than the usual optimism I once possessed. I miss myself. I miss the laughter I once had. I miss the joy I once felt. I miss the completeness that used to overwhelm me. I want to get it all back, but the only way I can think of to do that is to turn back time and we all know that is impossible.
Yet I still can hear a very small voice inside that urges me forward. One day at a time, its whispers. One day at a time.