POLITICS

One Hillary Clinton Think Piece To Rule Them All

Democratic presidential hopeful and former US Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton participates in a small business roundtable
Democratic presidential hopeful and former US Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton participates in a small business roundtable discussion with members of the small business community at Capital City Fruit on April 15, 2015 in Norwalk, Iowa. Clinton has spent the last two days in Iowa to focus on smaller communities in Iowa and have discussions about how to make the economy work for everyday Americans. AFP PHOTO / MICHAEL B. THOMAS (Photo credit should read Michael B. Thomas/AFP/Getty Images)

This week, we were faced with the daunting prospect of having to make sense out of all the Hillary Clinton think pieces that were microwaved into existence after she decided to formally enter the 2016 presidential race. And there were so many pieces of "think" to go through! Millions of microscopic particles of thinking! It was all way too tiresome.

So, in lieu of adding to an already crowded canon, what follows is a Frankenstein's monster of everyone else's hasty Hillary musings. It is one brutal Hillary Clinton think piece to rule them all -- here presented with apologies to Jason O. Gilbert, whose joke we have stolen.

eye of thinkpiece

HERE IS A WRY COMMENT ABOUT A THING THAT HAPPENED

MY ATTENTION SPAN WAS SUFFICIENT TO WATCH A BRIEF VIDEO

I REMEMBER SOME STUFF THAT HAPPENED BEFORE

TIME FOR SOME FACT-FREE ASSERTIONS

WHO IS "GEORGE H.W. BUSH?" FOR $200

KATE MCKINNON DID A THING

I WILL PAD OUT THIS PIECE WITH AS MANY EMPTY PLATITUDES AS I CAN COME UP WITH

THE OBVIOUSNESS OF THIS SENTENCE ESCAPED MY BARELY-WITH-IT EDITOR'S ATTENTION

USING SOME CLICHES, THE PIECE BUILDS TO AN ERSATZ CLIMAX

A FINAL THOUGHT IN A PIECE CONTAINING NONE

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