Open Letter From Your Cat About Halloween

Dear Human who feeds me food I don't really like,

It has come to my attention that the candy-and-costume holiday that you call Halloween is near. I know this because I watched you stick knives in the pumpkin and then punish it by making it stay outside on the steps all day and all night. What did that pumpkin ever do to you? Never mind. I don't care.

I am confused about something, though. Around the Halloween time of year, killing, blood and death seem to be heralded. Houses are decorated with dead bodies, skeletons and tombstones. Children are dressed up in black hooded robes carrying scythes and hatchets and spears with fake blood dripping off of them. Death, killing and blood are celebrated on Halloween, yet none of that is ever celebrated when I bring home a decapitated mouse that I killed all by myself! Everyone acts all freaked-out and grossed-out by the real thing. Doesn't make sense to me.

Another thing I don't understand about Halloween is that it is the one day of the year when you let your kids go to the neighbors houses, knock on their doors wearing face masks and demand candy. Like a juvenile hold-up. A white sugar shake down. And everyone delights in the amount of plunder they return home with but they aren't allowed to do it again for another year. There's a lot about this Halloween day I don't understand, apparently. Not that I really care.

One aspect of this holiday that I do like is the attention paid to cats. Cat cut-outs stuck into people's lawns, cat stickers in the windows and cats with "don't mess with me" arched backs everywhere. As it should be. I don't see any cut-outs of dogs on anyone's lawns. Doubt your precious dog even noticed that dogs play no role in anything related to Halloween. That dog's not too bright, you know. Just sayin.

I also like the spiders dangling from everywhere but none of them will play with me. I think they're all dead. Sure takes the fun out of trying to kill them.

The other part of this confusing Halloween that I LOVE is when you put that lion costume on the dog. Hahahaha! He looks so ridiculous and he has no clue why everyone is laughing and patting his head with pity in their eyes. He just loves the attention. Kinda sad. He is so simple. We should get rid of him.

Here's my plan. It's modeled on the Halloween tradition of the kids who come to the door, get candy and go away. So, after you put the lion collar on the dog on Halloween, let him out and give him some candy and maybe he'll go away. Then this house will be all mine. As it should be.

I'm warming up to this Halloween holiday. I'm beginning to like it. I feel better now.

With all of the sincerity I can possibly muster,

Me, the cat


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