Dear Obama People,
Even though I've never met any of you, I suppose I like you. I mean, you (or your bosses or minions or whomever) did a damn good job getting the big guy elected. You made me feel as if I was part of a movement when all I actually did was volunteer by phoning Texas for an afternoon or two during the primary, attend a speech by the president-elect at my alma mater which was a commencement address and not a rally, and cut you a check for $75 or whatever it was.
Through the more exciting parts of the primary and actual election calendars, I was as enthralled as anyone, voraciously reading as many blogs as I could, watching Keith Olbermann have his nightly coronary, and occasionally pausing to ponder which foreign country I planned on moving to should BO not win (Canada? Belgium? Costa Rica? Azerbaijan?). All the while you Obama People were right there, sending me emails that kept me in the loop. So what if the emails weren't actually written by Michelle or Barack or David Axelrod? So what if you made almost no attempt to hide the fact that these were incredibly thinly veiled attempts to hit me up for money?
You know what, it worked. I gave and so did many others. You raised how many hundreds of millions of dollars? I -- and probably three million others on that email list -- felt wanted and loved, Obama People, and I remained interested in the two-year-long debacle until the bitter end when I felt as if I'd rather undergo a kidney removal that was performed by monkeys wielding machetes than ever hear the name Cindy McCain again.
But it's now January, Obama People, and I'm way over this thing. Prior to this very minute, it had been damn near two months since I even once thought about Todd Palin. So why, why, why for the love of God are you still sending me emails asking me to give you money? Seriously, I got one on December 30th and January 6th. You guys really want me to donate 25 dollars "to make the inauguration a success?" What on earth does that even mean? 25 bucks will buy maybe three crab cakes at a reception that I'm not invited to and would assuredly be sent to federal prison if I tried to attend, provided I wasn't gunned down first. If you really want my money, Obama People, you're going to need to work a little harder for it. Tell me it will be used to balance the budget, tell me it will get me one chance to move to the front of the breadline when the economy collapses, tell me it will get me 20 class-A shares of some bank you just bought, tell me it will be used to send Dick Cheney to Mars, tell me it will go to Obama for Emperor PAC, I don't care. Just don't tell me it's for the inauguration. What's next, a Maybach for Malia?
This needs to end Obama People. It's not you, it's me. It would be change we can both believe in.