An Open Letter To The Women's Magazines In The Checkout Aisle

I’m not buying you.

Dear women’s magazines in the checkout aisle,

The beautiful women with the airbrushed faces on your covers get my attention as I stand in the checkout aisle. But c’mon. I don’t look like those models and none of my friends look like them. With all of that photoshopping, maybe the women on the covers don’t really look like the faces on the covers, either.

I am not as slender as the cover models are and judging from the food in my shopping cart, I know why. I bet their lips haven’t been in contact with a Fudgsicle in years. No chips for those gals. They must be in a permanent state of hungry.

According to one cover, however, I could shed 20 pounds before summer but I’d have to flip through the magazine to find what that diet regimen entails. Probably one of those eat-all-the-lettuce-you-want diets. Just another diet for me to fail to stay on for more than a day or two. That thought raises my anxiety level.

Good that I can try to control my anxiety by meditating, according to another article in one of the magazines. Meditation doesn’t sound like it burns many calories but meditation might be soothing. And then when I stop meditating, I may realize I am still overweight and haven’t lost a pound meditating. This would cause more anxiety. Nothing a little ice cream wouldn’t cure, however.

But I want to look like the models on the covers, so no ice cream for me. Maybe some exercise! According to the teaser on another magazine cover, fun exercise clothes will inspire me to hit the gym. Really? I doubt it but I could give it a try. If nothing else comes of it, I will at least have some cute new clothes. But wow! They are expensive!

Maybe I should read the article on managing my finances in the 21st century even though I hate those articles. Save, save, save. Then invest wisely, blah, blah, blah, so you can retire comfortably. Retirement is a such a downer topic because not only will you have no more earned income when you retire, but you will also be old. I don’t need to read a magazine article to know that I could better position myself for retirement if I actually put some money aside for retirement. I haven’t done that yet. Maybe tomorrow.

I do see that you include articles and advertisements about new drugs to help me with arthritis and all the other symptoms of ageing. Oh, joy! That stuff’s not cheap, either. And the side effects of those drugs are really frightening if you read the fine print, which no one does because the font is too small and there are no pictures included with the warnings.

Maybe I should focus my attention on the new beauty products you promise will take decades off my face. But why I keep believing that this product or that product will actually do what it claims to do is beyond my comprehension. If any one of these products actually performed as promised, all of us would be buying that one product instead of its many competitors. They are all promises in a bottle that some people are willing to pay for because they want so badly to look like the girls on the covers of the magazines.

So I have this to say to all the women’s magazines in the checkout aisle. I’m not buying you. I’m not going to read those articles about dieting. I’m not going to buy the products you tout to make me look younger and thinner. And with the money I save not buying the magazines, the anti-ageing products, the cosmetics and the exercise clothes, maybe I can save for retirement.

A girl can dream!