The Oregon 'Militia' Needs Food, So I Mailed Them Pictures Of It

A picture is worth a thousand words. It tastes like paper, though.

Members of the armed group occupying a federal building on an Oregon wildlife refuge posted a plea on Facebook for care packages containing "snacks." It's an important reminder that if you want to overthrow the government, always start in a city that has GrubHub.

And remember, these folks are choosing to hold slumber parties at this remote location miles away from the nearest Papa John's. They are willingly putting themselves in a problematic situation to gain attention from the media, and aren't actually in need of charitable food donations like many Americans who find themselves below the poverty level.

That's why I've decided to do everything in my power not to help. I hope you can find it in your hearts to do the same.

Step 1: Find or take some photos of delicious food
Verkamier via Getty Images
Make sure you're capturing everything in high-definition to optimize the visceral reaction.
Step 2: Go to FedEx
Roberto Machado Noa via Getty Images
You know, the company from "Castaway."
Step 3: Print out color photos on glossy paper
HuffPost Comedy/Aaron Nemo
Don't be a cheapskate by printing in black and white (unless, of course, it's a photo of Oreos).
Step 4: Put the photos into a manila envelope
HuffPost Comedy/Aaron Nemo
Yummm ... rhymes with vanilla.
Step 5: Address manila envelope to Jon Ritzheimer
HuffPost Comedy/Aaron Nemo
This is the address provided in the Facebook post mentioned above. Apparently in Burns, OR, the mailman knows where to find everyone by name.
Step 6: Throw in some spoilers from "The Bachelor"
HuffPost Comedy/Aaron Nemo
Only if you want to get them REALLY pissed off.
Step 7: Mail it
HuffPost Comedy/Aaron Nemo
It's like sending an email but with actual energy exertion.
Step 8: Donate to a food bank
Steve Debenport
There are hungry people out there who aren't just being dicks.

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