Life in the Boomer Lane is many things to may people: wife, mother, grandmother, friend, cousin, niece, Marshalls and TJ Maxx shopper, and now orgasm expert. She acquired this last moniker when she was called by two friends yesterday evening, who each got on the line to "ask her advice about something." Because LBL gives advice freely, whether or not she is familiar with the subject matter being asked about, she was ready with answers. But when her friends wanted to know if she was alone in the room first, she became concerned. Her thoughts went immediately to one of several topics:
anything illegal
anything immoral
a political analysis of the results of the Nevada primary
It turns out that both friends were calling with questions regarding orgasms. Each was experiencing physical pain when orgasming. The pain was located in different areas of their bodies, other than at the actual site of the orgasm. LBL, although no stranger to orgasms, was a complete novice at giving advice about them. She wasn't able to help them, unless to ask "Did you Google it?" Since that call, she has realized that, she, herself is capable of Googling "orgasm" and using what she has learned for the edification and enjoyment of her readers. So here goes:
According to Woman's Day, "Orgasm becomes easier with age ... As an example, while 61 percent of women ages 18 to 24 experienced orgasm the last time they had sex, 65 percent of women in their 30s did and about 70 percent of women in their 40s and 50s did." This should comfort many of LBL's readers. And, as LBL's friends are 20 years older than the women surveyed, she can assume that their ability to orgasm is off the charts.
Senior Planet had an article about older women and orgasm. The following is one of the issues they responded to: "My husband and I are in our late 60s. I still have a strong libido and love having sex at least twice a week. My problem is that these days, I take so long to orgasm. I take bioidentical hormones and we use lubricant, so sex is comfortable. I feel sexy and eager, but I just can't "bring it home" in a reasonable amount of time. This morning it took an hour!"
While LBL can certainly relate to the issue of delayed response time to climax, she has personally chosen to use her time to better advantage. She expends a much shorter time attempting to achieve results. If she fails, she moves on to more lucrative pursuits. During the time that this woman was diddling away, LBL can do several loads of laundry, write a blog post, and discover that she is out of microwave popcorn.
PsychCentral has reported in a study in which the median age was 67, that "... the likelihood of sexual activity declined with increasing age. But more than two-thirds of the sexually active women reported that they achieve orgasm most of the time or always. Interestingly, the youngest and oldest women in the study reported the highest frequency of orgasm satisfaction."
Now we have something to chew on. Assuming that the span of ages went from 50+ to 80+, there are some mighty happy 80-year-olds out there. Of course, this doesn't help the friends of LBL any more than the other studies have, because their issue isn't not achieving orgasm and they are not yet 80-years-old.
Spine-health reports the following issue from a reader: "I have had intensifying back pain for 10 years. I have two disc bulges and an extra lumbar vertebra. Recently I've started having pins and needles in my legs and yesterday morning when I started having an orgasm the pain was so intense in both legs and feet that I almost wanted to call it off."
LBL had to read this several times. How does one call off an orgasm? Wouldn't this be akin to calling off giving birth when the labor pains became too severe? Or calling off the fall as one went hurtling off a cliff? While appealing in theory, LBL isn't sure how this would work in reality.
WebMD reports "I had the same phenomena happen to me last year. Now I do not experience the symptom anymore but my curiosity is still not sated. I first realized I was having painful orgasms when I awoke from a dream having an orgasm that was quickly infiltrated by a painful painful (sic) cramping sensation in my pelvic region. I kept my body as stiff/still as I could to ride out the pain."
LBL has never dreamt of having an orgasm. Most of her dreams are about getting lost. Then she wakes up and goes about her day, getting lost. She has to do something to improve her dreams.
Everyday Health has a quote from Shoe Designer to the Stars, Christian Louboutin. Louboutin told British newspaper The Sunday Times that high heels and orgasms have a lot in common. "What is sexual in a high heel is the arch of the foot, because it is exactly the position of a woman's foot when she orgasms," he said. "So putting your foot in a heel, you are putting yourself in a possibly orgasmic situation."
LBL won't even touch this one. She invites readers to share their own experiences.
Express.co.uk, in an article commemorating National Orgasm Day, says a lot of stuff that doesn't matter because the only important thing here is that there is a National Orgasm Day.
Word to those of you who don't have orgasms or who have pain with orgasm, or who have any number of disturbing, unsavory associations with orgasm: Just get yourself a box of chocolates, a pair of really high heels, and a dildo. Throw the dildo out the window. If the shoes bother you, throw them out the window, as well. Just don't toss the chocolate. Eat it. LBL promises you a stellar, pain-free orgasm.
Earlier on Huff/Post50:
