Oscar Plan to Give All Awards to Beyoncé to Prevent Kanye ProtWests

The Oscar awards committee today announced controversial new plans to give all future awards to singer Beyoncé Knowles in an attempt to stop rapper Kanye West from storming the stage.

The sight of Kanye, producer of such international hits as "Jesus Walks" and "Gold Digger", helping himself to the podium steps has become a common sight in recent years and has been dubbed ProtWests or ProtWesting by satirists with too much time on their hands.

A spokesperson for the committee told us, "I think it's become obvious that Kanye knows best; I mean take the Grammys. Awarding the prize to a genial newcomer like Beck who barely has thirty years in the music industry instead of Beyoncé was just unforgivable and, frankly the totally impartial committee should have known better. As should E! News for branding the microphones that they paid for with their own money."

"Originally we thought that awarding statues to recipients based on a consensus from a large and diverse group of industry professionals was pretty fair, but then Kanye brought to our attention that this just didn't sit well with him."

Despite Ms. Knowles, 34, not actually doing anything to qualify for the movie industry's highest award this year, a source close to Mr. West made it clear that "they shouldn't let that stop them, or buddy, Kanye will."

Other organizations said to be considering similar moves are the SAG Awards, The Producers Guild and the Nobel Peace Prize Committee. A spokesperson for the latter told us, "We considered other moves to prevent Kanye protWesting us, such as large fences around the stage with really big spikes, armed guards or just not inviting him to anything with a statue, but we think that in the long run just giving all the awards to Beyoncé will work out better."

Dan Miles is the cult bestselling author of Filthy Still - A tale of travel, sex and perfectly made cocktails.