Confession: I've been hiding my stomach from my husband.
Since I've had our second child in as many years, I frequently wear loose tops, and have been known to wear my fluffy robe around the house more often than not. When my husband greets me in the bathroom post-shower, I quickly wrap a robe around myself. And the lights at sexy time? Well, I'm working the dim setting pretty hard.
But hiding a part of myself from him--the part that helped grow the babies we made together--has started to feel like a secret I no longer wanted to hide.
And recently, a few words from him, this man I love, helped transform me from hiding woman to proud mama.
So here's the undeniable truth: I'm two and a half months out from birthing baby number two. My body is recovering from the 60 pounds I gained during my pregnancy. Where I was once tight and toned, I now have saggy areas, stretch marks and stomach a pouch. Sometimes it's hard to recognize myself in the mirror.
But, life goes on and so must I.
And there I was, one cold winter's day in New England, in my postpartum one-piece glory.
"Wow!" He said grinning as he walked in. "You look absolutely gorgeous. New suit? You look great."
I felt so relieved. And encouraged. As I looked at him, I noticed his face--he looked so in love. With me. In my old lady suit. With the ruffles and the full booty coverage.
And instead of fear, or shame, or wistfulness for the way I used to be, instead I just melted.
There I was--far from the 5'11 135lb college girl he fell in love with--awkwardly standing in front of him, unsure of myself. And there he was, looking at me like I was Queen of the World.
That was the moment that transformed me.
My husband sees changes in me--changes that I sometimes struggle to fully see and accept.
My body is definitely different now than it was then. I am different. And we are so different, too.
We are a family.
The beautiful thing about being with the one you love is promising to do it forever. And getting to see a kinder, lovelier version of myself than I might allow--through the eyes of this husband of mine.
We started this thing when we were barely out of college and didn't have a clue.
Nearly a decade later, we're parents with master's degrees who've each made a career change. We own a home and deal with the nitty gritty of making our finances work. We worry about real-life problems, not just where we're going drinking Friday night.
We're growing up together. We have some life experience under our belts. And yes, we have some extra skin under our belts, too. (Well, I do.)
So now, I'm owning the changes.
My breasts have been nursing for a collective two years. My arms have been busy lifting car seats, my back giving pony rides. My face has been crinkling with laughter and proud smiles. I have been wringing my hands with worry. I sleep less; spending late hours writing at my computer and early mornings nursing our new baby.
But I have so much love in my heart. My life feels full. Full of happiness and content and craziness and poop diapers. And potty training and tantrums and spit up.
My hips are full too. Oh yes, and my waistline. These things will change; such is the ebb and flow of gaining and losing weight.
But our love won't change because of these things. Because we are more than superficial changes at this point in our lives.
So to my ruffled, full coverage swimsuit I say thank you.
Thank you for giving me this moment of clarity. For reminding me that my marriage is more than the number on the scale, and our mutual attraction is more important than how we looked at 22.
Our love is big.
Bigger-than-my-stretch-marks big.
Colleen Temple is an editor and writer at Motherly.
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