Like you, I had no idea I knew a sociopath. That is, not until recently, when a shiny-covered, national bestseller fell off a display table at a nearby Barnes & Noble bookstore onto my largely unsuspecting leg. I automatically steadied the book between my leg and the display table, then lifted it up, curious to see the title.
And there it was, as if the universe were conspiring to give me a sign. The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless Versus The Rest of Us, by Harvard psychologist Martha Stout, Ph.D. On the cover were three sets of human eyes peering up at me from narrow slits where the opaque veil of the typeface had been peeled back by a very clever editor. Alarmingly, one of the pairs of eyes looked surprisingly familiar. The father of my child’s friend.
This was the beginning of my awakening to an epidemic that until now has lurked in the shadows in our country. An epidemic that has tragically damaged, and often permanently destroyed, countless lives. An epidemic that is one hundred times higher than the rate of colon cancer in the United States.
It’s true. A shocking one in twenty-five of the people around us are clinical sociopaths -- a group that arguably encompasses the most chilling of human beings. The scariest part? On the outside, they look just like you and me. But on the inside, they couldn’t be more different, down to their brains, which have been found by scientists to have a peculiar but consistent, altered functioning in the cerebral cortex. The result of this neurobiological mutation? Simple. Unlike the rest of us, these one in twenty-five people literally have no conscience at all. And because they have no conscience, they are not limited in what they can do by the guilt, remorse, and shame that limits the rest of us in our behavior and our choices. With only ice in their veins, they can do absolutely whatever they want.
Unfortunately for us, what sociopaths want is to control and manipulate us, to steal from us those things we hold dearest, which also happen to be the things sociopaths despise to their cores: our professional, financial, and personal successes; the well-earned esteem of others; and our most loving and most human of relationships with spouses, family and friends. Contrary to popular belief, most sociopaths do not commit murder (mostly because it doesn’t interest them or suit their ends; they instead favor watching their victims suffer and squirm from their brilliant games of social sniping), and they tend to especially target those of us with strong moral character. The happier and more virtuous we appear to the sociopath, the more attractive and enticing we are as potential conquests. And the ultimate conquest for the sociopath is the complete destruction of our lives. A good sociopath will try to stick around, if he can continue to con enough people, until our last shred of contentment is gone and our life is in shambles. Like human bottom-dwellers, sociopaths gorge themselves by siphoning off what they see as the cloying happiness of good and decent people.
The worst part is also the reason the majority of sociopaths are so successful at what they do. Sociopaths have a uniquely seductive, superficial charm that is often referred to by the experts as “sociopathic charisma.” According to Dr. Jack Levin, a criminologist and co-director of the Brudnick Center on Violence at Northeastern University, "One of the major symptoms of a sociopath is a profound skill at presentation of self.” The sociopath is particularly adept at using his charm to convince normal people that he is a decent and honorable person, more deserving of their trust, respect, and sympathy than the rest of us. This outwardly convincing, but deeply dysfunctional, charisma actually makes sociopaths appear more complex, more sexy, more intense, and more interesting than normal people, allowing them to seduce us, to move largely undetected among us, and to wreak havoc in our lives, leaving unimaginable and well-documented devastation in their wake.
So what can you do to protect yourself, your family, and your friends? The answer is surprisingly simple. As a civilized society, we must pull sociopathy out of the shadows, where it thrives, and into the light, where it cannot survive. We must peel back the veil of secrecy behind which these dangerous individuals have been allowed to operate, and hold them accountable for their actions. It is in the light, and only there, that collectively, we can begin to put an end to this silent scourge.
As an individual, there are four steps that you can take right away to help protect yourself, your family, and your loved ones -- by shining a light on the sociopaths that are in your path.
1. Educate Yourself. Familiarize yourself with the seven characteristics of sociopaths, any three of which support a clinical diagnosis of “antisocial personality disorder,” so that you can recognize them. The seven characteristics, from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders IV of the American Psychiatric Association, are:
- Failure to conform to social norms
- Deceitfulness, manipulativeness
- Impulsivity, failure to plan ahead
- Irritability, aggressiveness
- Reckless disregard for the safety of self or others
- Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations
- Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing after having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another person
Do not be surprised if a sociopath you know possesses more than three of these traits. Be suspicious of people who consistently demonstrate even one of these traits, as all seven are toxic, and avoid any kind of close relationship with such people. Expect people who possess three or more of these characteristics to also possess a superficially seductive charm. Do not let yourself be seduced by it.
2. Be On The Lookout. Take an extra hard look at any toxic people you know. I am referring to the people who regularly put more demands on your relationship with them than your other friends do, and who may seem more interesting or exciting or dangerous or sexy on the surface, but who, upon closer inspection, don’t respect your personal boundaries or your relationships with other people. Toxic people tend to thrive on spreading unkind gossip about others, and they like to feel that they can control both you and your other relationships. By shining the light of awareness on toxic people, you will disempower them, and save yourself and others a lot of potential pain.
3. Eliminate Toxic Relationships. Even if a toxic person you know does not possess three or more of the characteristics of clinical sociopaths, consider making the choice to cut them from your life anyway. Your time on earth is precious, and the people you choose to allow into your life can either suck away your energy, confidence, and happiness, or enhance it and allow it to thrive. Choose wisely.
4. Focus On Healthy Relationships. Though these relationships may sometimes feel less exciting, less dangerous, and less sexy than the toxic ones, the healthy relationships in your life are certainly worth your time and energy. They are the ones that will nourish and sustain you, and bring you considerable and lasting joy. Feed these relationships by treating them with the honor and respect they deserve. Respect the healthy boundaries of others, and expect them to respect yours.