In many ways, all human relationships have the same problem. Whether we are talking about a casual conversation or a more committed relationship, two people often struggle over the smallest details.
It is important to know what is truly happening during these disputes and how to deal with this issue in a positive way. Clearly, some other factor is lurking beneath the surface of these struggles. I contend, arguments in relationships are, in fact, about who holds the "power." What we need to understand is why people want power over one another.
In The Celestine Prophecy, I call these kinds of irrational power struggles in relationships, Control Dramas. I attempt to show that the core source of our problems is not psychological, but rather, precisely about the nature of our minds. It is SPIRITUAL! To fully understand, one has to explore the spiritual dynamics operating when human beings relate.
Understanding Human Conflict
This deeper understanding of human conflict is immensely important. When we gain insight into human conflict, we understand and resolve more than our day-to-day personal disagreements. We grasp the long-term secret of how to end conflicts of all kinds. Even those between larger groups of people.
The issue of Control Dramas goes all the way back to the root of existential struggles in humanity. This is why it is a spiritual issue.
1. At their core, humans feel lost and uncertain in the world.
Seems obvious, right? We are insecure because each of us has to find a positive way to live and support ourselves. Further, we must come to terms with death, and what may or may not lie beyond it.
Of course, we can commit to a certain religion, but all too often, it is still just an intellectual choice. No one knows without a doubt what the right way is, and this is what haunts the very essence of our souls. We find ourselves alive without any certainty as to why. This creates a deep anxiety, and knowingly or not, it is one that we must examine and deal with accordingly.
2. We must become aware of how we manage our existential fears.
We try to repress our fears by pushing them out of our minds. We find desperate activities of choice, pursued with a kind of unconscious frenzy. We shop when there is no money in the bank. We follow celebrities instead of living our lives. We play video games or watch sports obsessively. And we partake in all sorts of addictions, diversions, and ideologies... all while searching to fill the void of meaning within us. Most of all, we seek power and control over other people -- because of the energy and security it brings to us.
3. Though out history, humans have unconsciously gained security by attempting to steal it from one another.
Instead of seeking security through our connection with the Divine Mind we call God, we unconsciously seek just a piece of it by force. In this way, we tend to gain control over others by using habitual control devices.
How It Works:
When we connect with another person, we get a boost in consciousness because the other person adds a little bit more of their Divine Mind to our own. We feel elevated, inspired, and filled with more clarity. Most importantly, we experience a deeper, spiritual security.
For example: Think of the first blush of love in a romantic relationship. Both people feel exhilarated and euphoric, they want to give all their attention to the other. The key here is that during this process, both are voluntarily giving their mind to the other. They assume the idea that their partner is going to go along with all of their wishes and dreams for how the relationship (or conversation) should go.
Of course, that does not last. Disagreements arise, and the good feelings begin to fade. Each one senses their boost from the joining of minds beginning to diminish, along with the feeling of energy, and inspiration. In response, each begins to manipulate one another to gain dominance and force the other to defer to their wishes. To which, a classic Control Drama ensues.
4. Only by opening ourselves up to a larger, spiritual consciousness of living, do we reach optimal security and clarity.
Once we find this more effective spiritual connection, relationships can develop around true interests and compatibility, without the need to involve security. Disagreements are then freed up and resolved through compromise and a joint, Intuitive sense of which person should be displaying leadership in a moment.
5. We must become aware of controlling behavior in ourselves and others.
We are just beginning to conceive and work towards a higher solution to the problem of Control Dramas and human conflict of all kinds. It begins with recognizing behaviors in others and ourselves, followed by dealing with them in the most effective manner -- so both parties can move toward a more enlightened relationship.
The 4 Most Recognizable Control Dramas:
- The Poor Me -- Playing the" Poor Me" by guilt tripping or commanding sympathy to gain someone's attention energy.
- The Aloof -- Playing "Aloof" by mystifying others, so they give us energy as they try to learn about us.
- The Interrogator -- Interrogating and criticizing others, making them defer to our superiority.
- The Intimidator -- Intimidating and threatening others until they defer to our control.
The object for all of us is to move our relationships from power struggles to authentically relating. The more energy and well being we download from the Divine source, the less dependent we are on the strength and approval of others. Moreover, when we are genuinely connecting with our essence, we have more energy to give. In which, this allows us to help others transcend Control Dramas and move to a life of authenticity.
After all, learning to relate authentically in our personal relationships is the first step to resolving irrational conflict all around the world.
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