When I was teenager, one of my closest friends often described herself as a “happy addict” in explaining her compulsion to chase after feel-good moments. Back then, I admired her bubbly disposition. But after 18 years as a therapist and psychoanalyst, I now view her wish through a different prism. I wonder if her quest to find the silver lining was more like an attempt to convert emotional pain, an emotion we all experience to varying degrees.
A basic premise of psychoanalysis is that unconscious truths dictate a person’s thinking and behavior, and that certainly applies when it comes to how people deal with emotional pain and distress. Years of training,experience and intuition, have taught me that the pursuit of a constant state of happiness is futile. Yet it’s one of the coping mechanisms people latch onto as they try to combat psychic distress. In my practice, I often come across two extremes of the spectrum in pain avoidance strategies -- from the “Flee-ers” (such as my friend in her younger years) to the “Gravitators,” who are prone to revel in pain.
Gravitators lean into discomfort, determined to fix it. However, they find it easier to focus on the pain of others rather than their own. Whether they realize it or not, gravitators seek to alleviate someone else’s suffering because they imagine that in doing so they can recover from their own pain, or possibly repair a traumatic childhood. They will often draw on their own painful past to help pull someone else through a similar situation. Psychoanalyst Racker coined the term that’s called complementary identification which is identifying with the person’s suffering. By embracing another person’s pain, gravitators may also feel less alone in their own suffering, which is why many of them develop do-gooder tendencies, such as volunteering for countless charities. Gravitators tend to get unconscious comfort from being in and around suffering.
By contrast, the flee-er develops an allergic reaction to discomfort, emotional distress and suffering and avoids it at all costs. Flee-ers generally embrace the “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil” philosophy. They become expert at escaping unhappy, distressful thoughts, or situations. They squirm at people crying and dodge funerals for they cannot tolerate the thought of death. They delay or skip their annual physicals for they fear being diagnosed with a terminal illness. In worst case scenarios, they numb themselves with alcohol and other drugs to soothe the pain. . .Flee-ers use what psychoanalysts call defences such as denial and reaction formation to escape their emotional anguish. Denial is declaring something as untrue and Reaction Formation is the switching of uncomfortable feelings into something that is more manageable.
The gravitator and flee-er are the flip side of the same coin, both of them running from pain, afraid it might catch up to them. Unlike others who fall somewhere in between the two extremes, their commitment to avoid distress becomes all-consuming. My challenge then becomes helping them tap into pain in small, manageable increments so they can grow. Understanding and tolerating the pain that previously had to be kept out of awareness whether you are a gravitator or a Flee-er, builds strength. Along the way, it helps to remember that every state of mind -- happy or sad -- is temporary in nature. Feel free to contact Lisa Schlesinger at www.marylandpsychotherapist.com