After coming under fire for his anti-gay comments, Republican Carl Paladino announced he would "reach out to leaders of the gay community to educate me on how to better represent my support for the rights of all citizens."
"I'm signing up for gay college," said Paladino, the Republican nominee for governor of New York. "I'm looking forward to having gay people teach me gay subjects, from gay rights to gay history to gay math and science."
"There is no such thing as gay college," said one of the gay leaders Paladino reached out to.
Paladino blamed New York's dysfunctional state government for his flawed education.
"I've been so busy trying to shake things up in Albany that I never learned it was wrong to refer to gay people as 'disgusting,'" Paladino argued. "Even when I was collecting rent from two gay clubs located in buildings I owned, I lacked the proper education only gay college can provide."
"Seriously, there's no such thing as gay college," said the gay leader. "I don't even know what that would be."
Paladino's advisers boasted that a stint at gay college would be a valuable credential in a diverse state like New York.
"Every candidate has a bachelor's degree, but Carl will be the only one with a confirmed bachelor's degree," crowed one Paladino campaign strategist. "Forget a B.A. Carl's getting a B.Gay."
"..." responded the gay leader.
Paladino said he couldn't wait to get on campus, although he admitted he was nervous about meeting his roommate.
"I've never lived with a gay person before," said Paladino. "I hope we like the same type of music."
When reached for comment, a number of Paladino's fellow Republicans claimed never to have heard of either gay college or Carl Paladino.
"Wait, I think I know who you mean," offered one New York Republican. "Handsome black guy, never said anything crazy? No? Not him? OK, then I don't know who you're talking about."
One prominent national Republican, however, expressed support for Paladino.
"I love Carl Paladino," said Delaware Republican Christine O'Donnell. "Thanks to him, there's at least one Republican who has even less of a chance of getting elected than I do."