"The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets" is a new collection of hundreds of comic Tweets by funny people who also happen to be parents. Are you a parent who can use a good laugh? Check out this sampling of the book's wit, wisdom and wisecracks:
4yo said he went potty, and I asked if it was Number 1 or 2. He said Number 7, and now I'm terrified to go into the bathroom.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would definitely eat a girl and a little dog.
Me: Do you know why I took your toy away?
5yo: You don't know?
Mommy Milk Factory has officially closed down. Owner thanks her two loyal customers. Equipment will now be used for display purposes. (@MarleBean)
In a dinner discussion about what we should grow if we had a garden, my 4yo suggested "some balls."
5yo: What's a cannibal?
Me: A person who eats another person.
5yo's eyes widen with horror.
Me: You said cannonball, didn't ya?
The 4yo saw picture of me pregnant. I explained that she was inside me. She thought about it for a bit, then said, "I never want to do that again."
"This is a funny necklace!"
- 3yo with my thong around her neck.
No. Honey. The deer is just sleeping. They tied him down so he wouldn't fall off the top of their Ford Explorer.
The dream is sleeping in on Sunday, the reality is that the sibling rivalry cage match happening in the living room needs a referee. (@SimonCHolland)
Boy tattling on his sister: "MOMMY! She poked my eyeballs out!"
Me: If I go down there and his eyes are still in his head, I'm gonna be pissed.
I can't find my kid's birth certificate, but I apparently saved one for every Build-A Bear we own in a special file because I'm insane. (@StellaGMaddox)
Me: Put on a hat so we can leave for school.
3yo: I don't need a hat; my brain is warm.
Me: My brain is fried and I'm wearing one.
3yo *puts on hat*
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. He gets that from his mother.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
It gets awkward when we're in line at the grocery store and my 4yo son says, "So how many penises are in our family?"
I learned a lot during tonight's Family Nerf Gun War. For example, I WILL sacrifice my daughter to get a clear shot at my husband.
At the store:
Me: We need to put all the toys back now, so people can buy them.
2yo: I'm people.
7yo just stomped out yelling, "Download me a new book!"
New tantrums for a new generation.
My advice? Get a copy for every mom and dad on your holiday gift list. And a copy for yourself too. In the words of one Good Reads reviewer: "You need to laugh about parenting. It will keep you sane."
(Roz Warren is the author of OUR BODIES, OUR SHELVES: A COLLECTION OF LIBRARY HUMOR .)