Parents develop a highly specific set of skills to deal with the day-to-day grind of raising small humans.
There’s diaper changing, potty training, hiding vegetables in kid-friendly foods, chauffeuring, finding missing shoes and other foundational knowledge. But there’s also the art of white lies, tackling unanswerable questions and, perhaps most crucially, bribery.
We’ve rounded up 50 funny tweets about bribery from parents who are all too familiar with the tactic.
My award wining parenting moments include bribing my kids with candy to get them to cooperate at the dentist.— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 28, 2014
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 12, 2015
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Toilet training your kid automatically earns you the right to use unlimited amounts of bribery for example— MumInBits (@MumInBits) February 18, 2020
-you can eat the cookie if you pee in the toilet
-you can watch the movie when you’ve peed in the toilet
-if you pee on the toilet you can still live with mummy & daddy
Parenting is a lot easier if you are comfortable with bribery and lies.— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) May 29, 2018
Behind the smile of every well-dressed kid in Easter pictures is a mouthful of jelly bean bribery.— Walking Outside in Slippers (@WalkingOutside) April 22, 2019
Why is it called bribing your child and not kid pro quo?— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 22, 2019
Before I had kids I knew exactly how I would raise them. This morning I bribed them to get out of bed with peanut butter marshmallow sandwiches. Childless me didn’t have a clue.— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) November 20, 2019
"Hush Little Baby" is my favorite lullaby about bribing your kid to shut up— Not Another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) February 28, 2019
Just once I would love to read a parenting article that says something like, "Bribery! It really is good for your kids!"— Life at Tiffany’s (@lifeattiffanys) March 29, 2016
You don't have to bribe your kids to eat their vegetables if you tell them a baby bunny dies for each one they don't eat.— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) February 2, 2017
My 3-year-old is dangerously easy to bribe. I could probably get her to murder someone if I gave her a sticker for it.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 10, 2013
After a 45 minute negotiation, my 7yo son finally ate one strand of spaghetti. Clearly, he deserved the candy bar we bribed him with.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) September 4, 2019
My sister-in-law wanted to know how in the world I manage to raise such polite children so I told her all about intentional parenting and positive reinforcement and natural consequences and how I don’t do any of that because I bribe them.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) December 15, 2019
If I find one more freezer pop wrapper around this house, I swear to everything I'm gonna...— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) May 26, 2019
...keep buying them because they are great for bribery in the summer.
I get my 4yo to use the toilet by giving him a Hot Wheels car for every 4th successful poop. If bribery is wrong, I don't want to be right.— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) November 26, 2013
The parenting books say to set boundaries and be consistent but I find bribery to be much more efficient and everybody wins.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 4, 2017
If you bribe them with pancakes to get them to go to sleep, then you better pony up in the morning cause they don't forget shit.— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) June 13, 2014
Sure, I could probably attempt to parent without resorting to bribery. I could also attempt adulting without resorting to caffeine, but that wouldn’t be very effective either now would it.— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) October 13, 2018
I know Christmas is coming up but let me be real with you, I’ve been bribing my kids with Santa since the beginning of the year. I feel no shame.— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) November 15, 2018
Thanks to inflation, I can no longer bribe my kids to do crappy jobs for just a dollar anymore.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 19, 2015
Toddlers are like adorable, chubby versions of Satan that you can force to take naps and bribe with cookies.— Faux Ma (@Faux_Ma) October 9, 2014
Real talk, if you don't bribe your children to scratch your arm/back and play with your hair why in the frigging hell did you have kids— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) July 18, 2017
My 3-year-old learned lots of new words by riding in the car with me. Now I have to bribe her so she never repeats them in front of my wife.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 9, 2014
Reached that level of dad where I bribe my kids for hugs by offering to carry their school bags.— Kalvonavirus (@KalvinMacleod) June 14, 2016
You bribe your toddler to use the potty one time, and all of a sudden it becomes a game of double or nothing for the rest of your life.— Ｍｏｍｚｉｌｌａ (@milliondollrfam) September 14, 2019
I often have to beg, sweet talk & bribe my son just to get a hug from him. I'm not sure if this reminds me more of high school or marriage.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 21, 2015
Just told my kids I'd pay them money to sleep in tomorrow.— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) August 22, 2014
That's not bribery, people, that's called POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT.
4: I don't want to go to preschool!— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) September 25, 2017
Me: I'll give you chocolate if you go...
4: Ok, I'll go
Bribery: 70% of the time, it works every time
"How To Win At Parenting Through Bribery" is a book I really wish existed.— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) November 19, 2019
In fact, I'll give you two cookies if you write it.
The game show Let's Make A Deal,— Marl (@Marlebean) May 2, 2016
but me bribing my kids to stay in bed.
My life would be so much easier if my baby understood what a fucking bribe was.— Courtney (@Discourt) November 5, 2012
Once you've learned to bribe kids, the second half of your life begins.— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) June 6, 2017
My kid just tried to bribe me with cookies to allow her to eat more cookies.— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) April 10, 2017
Holy crap she's good.
Them: only five more days until Christmas!— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) December 20, 2019
Me: only five more days left to bribe my kids to do things for Christmas presents!
I feel bad for the cavemen mothers that had to use real fruit instead of fruit snacks to bribe their kids.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) May 11, 2014
I bribed my 5yo with a piece of chocolate to go to the kitchen & get me a cookie. Successful delegation of labor or a new level of laziness?— Wendy S. (@maughammom) June 20, 2015
Just bribed my kid to take a shower instead of a bath by offering to buy him a roll of duck tape. That's a win any way you look at it.— 💀 damned sinker 💀 (@dansinker) May 27, 2012
There’s nothing in this world that can prepare you for that feeling you get when you can finally look your first born child in the eye and bribe him to clean the house.— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 2, 2018
I bribed my kids with candy to eat vegetables. I know what you're thinking, but it's cool. They were fruit flavored.— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) April 29, 2016
The term “potty training” is pretty misleading.— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) January 28, 2019
I mean sure, if by “training” you mean “negotiating & bribing” then yeah, we are potty training, but I think I’m just going to start calling it “shit bribery” because that’s much more accurate.
Kiddo tried to bribe me with a dollar, to have unlimited access to the remote control. They grow up so fast don't they?— Jacques Nyemb (@jnyemb) January 16, 2017
What’s the appropriate amount to bribe the teacher when attending your first parent teacher conference?— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) January 9, 2020
Don't let your kids in on any plans of a Disney vacation unless you want to be involved in a web of confusion, whining, crying, and bribing— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) March 28, 2017
With 4 kids 5 and under, any type of alone time involves plotting, scheming, and bribery.— Becky Too Many Kids, Send Help (@beckyhas4kids) May 27, 2019
at that point in the school year where i'm straight bribing my kids with m&ms to do their work and let me tell you we are going through a lot of m&ms— Sabaa Tahir (@sabaatahir) June 9, 2020
If parenting has taught me anything it’s bribery will get you everywhere. I’ll give you five bucks if you retweet this.— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) May 7, 2020