The Blog

The Uppers & Downers of Parenting (Or, Coffee & Wine)

I am a drug addict. I use uppers and downers. But only to make me a better parent.
This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, send us an email.

I am a drug addict. I use uppers and downers.

But only to make me a better parent.

I never drank coffee before I had kids. At least not in a "Fresh Pots!" sort of way. We didn't even own a coffee maker.

Back in those days, I looked down upon anyone who needed coffee in the morning. The more they required it the less I thought of them. They were weak. Slaves to the bean. Didn't they know it is a drug they are addicted to? Just stop drinking that shit and then you won't need it.

Then I had two kids.

Kids wake-up with energy. Kids wake-up with loudness.

Kids wake-up too f**king early.


No I will not play with you. Go away. I need coffee.

After coffee:


I don't need it. But they need me to have it.

I'll stop drinking it just as soon as they stop waking me up before the rooster crows.

(We don't actually have a rooster. Did you think we did when I wrote that? That would be cool. Maybe I should take this out and let you think we have a rooster.)

So that is my little helper pick-me-upper in the morning.

And then there is the evening.

Sometimes, after an especially rough day, I'm stressed out at night.

Everything sets me on edge. I'm a bundle of nervous thoughts.


Go to bed. I can't handle one more minute of this parenting thing. I have to do this again tomorrow! How can I handle another day like this one? Nobody is listening to me!

But then my husband hands me a glass of wine.

After wine:


Again, I don't need it. But they need me to have it.

So that is my occasional little calm-me-downer in the evening.

Coffee & wine. My unsung parenting tools.

And yours?


My Crappy Disclaimer: Blah blah blah, yes alcoholism sucks, blah blah blah, notice I said occasional, blah blah blah, did you know that judgmental people are ugly, blah blah blah.

Eating entire pints of ice cream is another favorite unsung parenting tool of mine. As is sneaking chocolate. And snorting huge piles of cocaine.

Just kidding about that last one.

Originally published on my crappy blog: Parenting. Illustrated with Crappy Pictures™.

Before You Go

Popular in the Community