Paul Ryan's Text Messages Utterly Boring

While stumping at a VFW hall in the capital of Indiana this afternoon, Republican Vice Presidential candidate and emerging heart-throb Paul Ryan inadvertently left his iPhone on a lectern and departed in a motorcade destined for the Indianapolis airport.
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FREDERICKSBURG, VA - OCTOBER 16: Republican vice presidential candidate U.S. Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), speaks to supporters during a campaign rally at the Fredericksburg Expo and Conference Center, on October 16, 2012 in Fredericksburg, Virginia. Tonight U.S. President Barack Obama and Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney will faceoff at the second presidential debate being held at Hofstra University in New York. (Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images)
FREDERICKSBURG, VA - OCTOBER 16: Republican vice presidential candidate U.S. Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), speaks to supporters during a campaign rally at the Fredericksburg Expo and Conference Center, on October 16, 2012 in Fredericksburg, Virginia. Tonight U.S. President Barack Obama and Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney will faceoff at the second presidential debate being held at Hofstra University in New York. (Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images)

Eloisa Calderón, a member of the facility’s cleaning crew, recovered the phone and hours later handed it over to her supervisor. Before doing so, however, Calderón, a Guatemalan immigrant, forwarded various of its contents to news agencies who were, according to insiders, bored to tears by Ryan’s instant messages with family, friends and colleagues.

This reporter obtained a copy of several messages from Ryan’s Iphone, which are reproduced in their entirety below:

* * *

WillardMitt4U: I can appreciate sarcasm, but let’s give the whole “Stench” thing the heave-ho, mister.

VeepStud2012: Aye aye, Captain Stiff Trousers.

WillardMitt4U: I’m not fooling. I’ve had it up to here with your antics.

VeepStud2012: It’s a cell phone. I can’t see where you’re pointing. Do you mean your neck or your crotch?

WillardMitt4U: Now look here!

VeepStud2012: OMFG! Tamron Hall’s on the phone. Laterz . . .

* * *

DanQ-Indiana: Dont let em presher u into talking about important stuff.

VeepStud2012: Well duh, I know, but how do I get out of it if they ask me about, like, numbers n stuff?

DanQ-Indiana: #s arnt important.

VeepStud2012: Really?

DanQ-Indiana: Geez no.

VeepStud2012: Not cool man.

DanQ-Indiana: Wat?

VeepStud2012: “Geez.” It’s short for Jesus and that’s taking his name in vain.

DanQ-Indiana: No dummy, its short for Geezus H Crissmas.

VeepStud2012: Tell me again that you were the Vice President.

* * *

LizaRyan2003: Can Briana and me go 2 da movies

VeepStud2012: What’s playing?

LizaRyan2003: Argo

VeepStud2012: Hell no!

LizaRyan2003: Y not

VeepStud2012: Cuz its about foreigners.

LizaRyan2003: Aw come on Dad

VeepStud2012: No way dude.

* * *

ChristieGovJersey: What up Home Skillet?

VeepStud2012: Dude!Keepin’ it real. Sup?

ChristieGovJersey: Chillin

VeepStud2012: Right on

ChristieGovJersey: Right on

VeepStud2012: Kick it tonight

ChristieGovJersey: Darn straight. Where @?

VeepStud2012: Trumps.

ChristieGovJersey: On it.

VeepStud2012: Peace out.

* * *

BidenRulez: Noob

VeepStud2012: FU

BidenRulez: Rofl – you got served.

VeepStud2012: STFU!

BidenRulez: Pwned!!

VeepStud2012: A**hole

BidenRulez: Lulz

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