Paul Ryan Demands Bowflex In Chamber As House Speaker

"My country needs me. But I need to stay swole."

Visibly upset Rep. Paul Ryan shocked the House Thursday after stating that as Speaker of the House, he demands a Bowflex at his desk.

"My country needs me so I will serve. But I'm not taking time away from my family and, more importantly, I'm gonna continue to get swole."

He went on to explain that he really couldn't see himself saving the GOP unless a Bowflex Ultimate 2 Home Gym was installed in place of his seat. 

"Is that a tall order? No. A tall order is reaching across the isle to make sense of Obama's insane budget proposal when all you REALLY want to do is rip sets and yoke out."

Other representatives proposed that Ryan simply square off a time in the day to go to the gym. They even compromised on a comprehensive plan to conduct congressional business around his workout schedule. Ryan swatted it down immediately.

"You know how long it'll takes me to drive to Equinox, change, do my dead lifts, heavy bag, suicides, hose off, protein with the boys, and drive back? There's no way I can do all that and be effective. So yeah, sorry, you'll put a Bowflex in the chamber or you'll find another speaker."  

Ryan is expected to push for further house chamber additions such as: a raw juice bar, 36 flat screen televisions showing 24 hour news/Sportscenter/TBS, Sauna pods, and massage chairs.


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