Paul Ryan Tries To Act Cool In White House Correspondents' Dinner Video

Retirement -- and boredom -- seem to be weighing heavily on the House speaker.

House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) really wants people to think he’s cool. 

Ryan, who plans to retire from Congress after this year, made sure to embarrass himself in front of the press at least one last time in a video shown Saturday at the White House Correspondents’ Association dinner in Washington.

“I’m spending the evening freshening up my LinkedIn page,” Ryan said before the camera cuts to him on his computer, saying aloud as he updates his resume: “Waiter at Tortilla Coast 1991 to 1994.” 

The room was silent.

Ryan then said boredom would be his biggest worry after leaving Congress. He didn’t mention worries like his decision to ignore beneficiaries of the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program ― Dreamers ― who continue to be threatened under new White House policies. But sure, boredom is worrisome, too.

“Luckily, [Former House Speaker John] Boehner texted me the other day saying he had something to help me chill out,” Ryan joked in the video. “Something to do with grass, I don’t really know.”

Ryan was referring to Boehner’s recent shift on marijuana policy, having said he now supports medical pot. 

“Trust me, there’s always a way to relax,” a fake text from Boehner says to Ryan in the sketch, with emojis of a tree, a cigarette and sunglasses.

Hilarious! Especially when you consider that Americans are serving prison sentences for small amounts of weed. Haha, good one!

Ryan has a long history of opposing marijuana legalization. His joking reference to weed as “grass” ― an outdated slang term for the plant ― suggests he doesn’t smoke weed, and isn’t sure what to call it. 

We get the joke, Mr. Speaker, because we can’t imagine a time that anyone would have ever offered you any.