Paul Ryan’s "A Christmas Carol"

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Little boy Paul Ryan is beside himself with glee at the Christmas present he has dreamed of since he was a teenager: Huge amounts of gold for the hyperrich and coal for the poor.

It seems unlikely that anyone has ever seen Paul Ryan as gleeful as he has been the past few days. His Christmas present is what he has dreamed of since he was a little boy: further enriching the already rich and letting the poor fend for themselves.

Speaker Ryan is so ecstatic that he is putting on a new production of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. He has cast himself in the primary role of Ebeneezer.

Here is one scene:

DECENT AMERICANS: At this festive time of year, Mr. Ryan, it is more than usually desirable that we should make some slight provision for the poor and destitute.

RYAN: Are there no prisons?

DECENT AMERICANS: Plenty of prisons.

RYAN: And the union workhouses — are they still in operation?

DECENT AMERICANS: They are. I wish I could say they were not.

RYAN: Oh, from what you said at first I was afraid that something had happened to stop them in their useful course. I’m very glad to hear it.

DECENT AMERICANS: I don’t think you quite understand us, sir. A few of us are endeavoring to buy the poor some meat and drink, and means of warmth.

RYAN: Why?

DECENT AMERICANS: Because it is at Christmastime that want is most keenly felt, and abundance rejoices. Now what can I put you down for?

RYAN: Huh! Nothing!

DECENT AMERICANS: You wish to be anonymous?

RYAN: I wish to be left alone! Since you ask me what I wish sir, that is my answer. I help to support the establishments I have named; those who are badly off must go there.

DECENT AMERICANS: Many can’t go there; and many would rather die.

RYAN: If they would rather die, they had better do it, and decrease the surplus population!