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Food & Drink

Here's How Much Butter It Takes For An All-Paula Deen Thanksgiving

We're going into butter overdrive.
NEW YORK, NY - OCTOBER 13:  Kevin Bacon and Paula Deen speak onstage at Comedy Central's night of too many stars: America comes together for autism programs at The Beacon Theatre on October 13, 2012 in New York City.  (Photo by Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images)
NEW YORK, NY - OCTOBER 13: Kevin Bacon and Paula Deen speak onstage at Comedy Central's night of too many stars: America comes together for autism programs at The Beacon Theatre on October 13, 2012 in New York City. (Photo by Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images)

Ever since my mom put my dad on a low-cholesterol diet a few years ago, Paula Deen has become his best imaginary friend. As he watches "Down Home With Paula," I can tell from his dilated pupils and open-mouthed drooling that he has gone to a better, buttery place.

When we recently discussed this year's family Thanksgiving dinner, he of course snuck Paula into the conversation. I know what this means: He's secretly hoping I'll make a Paula Deen recipe and turn his fantasy into a reality. So it got me wondering: How much butter could POSSIBLY be required to make an all-Paula Thanksgiving dinner? Would we even be able to afford buying that amount of butter? Is there enough butter stocked in the world's supermarkets?

To answer this question, I browsed Paula's full collection of Thanksgiving recipes to curate an all-Paula menu that's representative of a reasonable Thanksgiving meal. (I.e. I didn't cheat and load the menu with all of her most heavily buttered dishes.) I added up every tablespoon of butter in every recipe, and also accounted for other questionable ingredients that might cause one to have a heart attack.

So now, behold: ALL OF THE BUTTER YOU NEED TO COOK A PAULA DEEN THANKSGIVING. Scroll all the way to the bottom of the menu for the big reveal of the grand total.

We'll start slowly and ease our way up to the danger zone.

1
Deep-Fried Turkey: NO BUTTER (but 3-5 gallons of peanut oil)
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Get the recipe A little disappointing, Paula. Let's get on the horse.
2
Giblet Gravy: NO BUTTER (but giblets and one very confused hard-boiled egg)
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Get the recipe Seriously, Paula slices up a hard-boiled egg and mixes it into her gravy at the last minute. EXCUSE US WHILE WE HOLD IN OUR VOMIT.
3
Mrs. Hoggle's Stuffed Cranberry Sauce: NO BUTTER, thank heavens (but a very alarming 8 ounces cream cheese and 2 Tb mayonnaise)
iheartchaos.com
Get the recipe No really, this isn't a joke. Watch this video to see the worst thing that's ever happened to humanity.
4
Green Bean Casserole: 1/3 stick butter (plus 1 can cream of mushroom soup and 1 cup Cheddar)
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Get the recipe The ride is just about to begin. You should buckle up now.
5
Mama's Fried Creamed Corn: 4 Tb butter (plus 4 slices bacon)
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Get the recipe Dear Paula: When the corn is creamed it doesn't ALSO need to be fried.
6
Southern Cornbread Stuffing: 8 Tb butter
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Get the recipe That's one stick, for those of you new to Paula's world.
7
Loaded Mashed Potatoes: 8 Tb butter (plus 12 ounces sour cream, 8 ounces Cheddar, 1 1/2 pounds bacon)
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Get the recipe Here we go. Prepare the defibrillators.
8
Aunt Peggy's Sweet Potato Souffle: 12 Tb butter
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Get the recipe You really have to try hard to reach this level of butter density. Breathe deeply.
9
Biscuits: 8 Tb butter
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Get the recipe At this point you're probably hallucinating.
10
Crunch Top Apple Pie: 15 Tb butter
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Get the recipe WE'RE IN IT DEEP NOW.
11
Gooey Pumpkin Butter Cake: 16 Tb butter
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Get the recipe CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE DEAD.
12
GRAND TOTAL: 9 1/4 sticks of butter (plus 5 gallons peanut oil, 8 ounces cream cheese, 1 can cream of mushroom soup, 2 cups Cheddar, 1 1/2 pounds bacon, 12 ounces sour cream, and one misplaced hard-boiled egg)
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Now you are definitely hallucinating. Goodbye.

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