Ever since my mom put my dad on a low-cholesterol diet a few years ago, Paula Deen has become his best imaginary friend. As he watches "Down Home With Paula," I can tell from his dilated pupils and open-mouthed drooling that he has gone to a better, buttery place.
When we recently discussed this year's family Thanksgiving dinner, he of course snuck Paula into the conversation. I know what this means: He's secretly hoping I'll make a Paula Deen recipe and turn his fantasy into a reality. So it got me wondering: How much butter could POSSIBLY be required to make an all-Paula Thanksgiving dinner? Would we even be able to afford buying that amount of butter? Is there enough butter stocked in the world's supermarkets?
To answer this question, I browsed Paula's full collection of Thanksgiving recipes to curate an all-Paula menu that's representative of a reasonable Thanksgiving meal. (I.e. I didn't cheat and load the menu with all of her most heavily buttered dishes.) I added up every tablespoon of butter in every recipe, and also accounted for other questionable ingredients that might cause one to have a heart attack.
So now, behold: ALL OF THE BUTTER YOU NEED TO COOK A PAULA DEEN THANKSGIVING. Scroll all the way to the bottom of the menu for the big reveal of the grand total.
We'll start slowly and ease our way up to the danger zone.
A little disappointing, Paula. Let's get on the horse.
Seriously, Paula slices up a hard-boiled egg and mixes it into her gravy at the last minute. EXCUSE US WHILE WE HOLD IN OUR VOMIT.
No really, this isn't a joke. Watch this video to see the worst thing that's ever happened to humanity.
The ride is just about to begin. You should buckle up now.
Dear Paula: When the corn is creamed it doesn't ALSO need to be fried.
That's one stick, for those of you new to Paula's world.
Here we go. Prepare the defibrillators.
You really have to try hard to reach this level of butter density. Breathe deeply.
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