Peabody Energy Settles SEC Lawsuit -- Agrees to 'Lie Less'

Peabody Energy, the world's largest publicly-traded coal company, has reached a settlement with the New York Attorney General's office after accusations their statements on climate change misled investors and basically "fucked shit up" for a lot of folks.

The two-year investigation ends with Peabody admitting no wrongdoing, nor the paying of any fines, however, they have agreed to lie less often.

The agreement also includes a provision which requires all executives at Peabody to openly shout "Psyche!" after lying at all press conferences and earnings calls throughout the 2016 fiscal calendar.

Peabody CEO, Gregory Boyce, said in a statement "As a publicly traded company whose core business generates massive amounts of carbon emissions, it has always been second nature for us to lie when it comes to the environment. I mean, let's be honest (the room erupts with laughter) what would you do if you went to work every day knowing your very existence played a major role in the decomposition of our planet and all living creatures, in general? Damn straight, you'd lie! How else could you get up in the morning?"

Boyce then admitted he'd often contemplate suicide, knowing the world he was destroying on a daily basis would be "far worse for my children than any nightmare you can imagine." However, he claims lying had solved that problem, completely.

He added, "It could be worse. We could be VW."

Can't argue with that.

N.Y. State Attorney General, Eric Schneiderman considers the settlement a great victory. "Let's be honest (the room erupts in laughter), we're never going to get these guys on any real charges, as both the state and federal legislatures are in their pocket. So, isn't it better to know, going forward, that at least half of what they tell us is true, rather than nothing?"

Can't argue with that, either.

Boyce added, "The company has always sought to make appropriate disclosures" at which point, the Attorney General reminded him of their deal, prompting Boyce to shout, "Psyche!"