I had a fucked up dream last night. I'm in Iran. And I'm sitting in a circle smoking a peace pipe with the Trump kids. I'm holding a newborn baby. I'm pretty sure he's mine because he looks just like me and no one else is stepping up to claim him.
The peace pipe comes around to me and I take a drag and one of the Trump kids points at my baby and says something like, smoke him up. Gotta get 'em started while they're young. And I don't want to, because he's a baby and babies shouldn't smoke, but the way they're staring makes me think I don't have much of a choice. So I give my baby the peace pipe -- which is as big as his whole body -- and he sucks it down and blows it back in my face, I think on purpose, and I start coughing, and all the Trump kids are laughing at me and calling me a pussy and one of them even calls me a Jewboy. And some Iranian government official comes over and says there's no smoking allowed. Not even hookah. So one of the Trump kids tells him to go fuck himself and all the other Trump kids laugh. And then one of them says, "Here's your fucking hookah," and he shoots the Iranian government official in the face. And nobody moves -- not because they're scared, because they don't care. They look away like nothing even happened. Like there isn't some dead Iranian guy on the ground next to us. It isn't until the blood creeps over and almost gets on one of the Trump kids that anyone even acknowledges it. And when they do, it's only to say that it sucks to get blood on a gray Paul Stuart. That makes my baby laugh, which pisses me off, but he doesn't know better. He's a baby. He's my baby. It's what they call a teachable moment. It's hard to bring it up in front of the whole circle so I'm thinking I should sneak him out there, but just then he spits on me and calls me a Jewboy and now I can't stand the bastard.
Moral of the story is that I shouldn't read about Trump before bed. It makes me too anxious to sleep. Makes me lie there for too long, imagining doomsday scenarios until finally, when I do fall asleep, my baby calls me a Jewboy. Problem is, I can't read about him during the day either. It makes me too anxious to work, and I end up transcribing my Trump nightmares for the Huffington Post. Can't watch TV. All I want to hear on TV is that a Trump presidency is a horror in the wings, but all the conversations are "balanced." Everybody gets a voice. It doesn't matter what they have to say. Doesn't matter how stupid it is. Everybody gets to suck on the peace pipe. Spit on whoever they want. Shoot whoever they want. Call each other names. Yell and scream at each other. It's a nighttime nightmare and a daytime nightmare. It's a newborn normal. The babies who are laughing now will never know that it wasn't always this way.