Perfecting Presidential Primaries

BOULDER, CO - OCTOBER 27:  The stage is prepared for the CNBC Republican presidential debate at the University of Colorado on
BOULDER, CO - OCTOBER 27: The stage is prepared for the CNBC Republican presidential debate at the University of Colorado on October 27, 2015 in Boulder, Colorado. The 14 Republican presidential candidates will take part in two debates October 28. (Photo by Andrew Burton/Getty Images)

America has been the beacon of democracy since its founding. It demonstrated to the world how popular sovereignty and stable governance could be reconciled. We confirm that fundamental truth every four years in the election of a constitutional ruler who serves as custodian of the Republic. Democracy in action: open, fair, deliberate and dignified. Now, we are engaged in yet another contest to prove that government of, by and for the people flourishes in our land. Still, nothing is perfect other than God. So here are a few small suggestions for refining this sacred ritual.

1. Require that the first 3 primaries be held in states that are home to at least one major league sports team;

2. Ask each candidate: how do you define "success" in Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan?

3. Require that "try-outs" before billionaires be video-taped and made public;

4. Ask this two part question:

a) when did you last check the real estate value of your home (s)?
b) when did you last slip a bill to a homeless person?

5. Require each candidate to reveal at least one 'skeleton' in his or her closet;

6. Ask each candidate what "derivatives" are and their significance;

7. Require candidates to pledge that they will not travel outside of Washington during their first 3 months in office;

8. Ask candidates to name one foreign leader they truly despise -- and explain why;

9. Require candidates to forsake golf as a pastime - except if played at a public course on Saturday morning;

10. Ask candidates to identify ZIKA: a Brazilian soccer star; a virus; female Viagra; head of Pakistan's Army?

11. Ban all reference to immediate family except as a warning to voters of their constituting a potential distraction/disruption in the conduct of public business;

12. Ask candidates to state their strategic justification for backing the program to spend $1 trillion to expand America's nuclear arsenal;

13. Require each candidate to explain the bipartisan consensus on the regular practice of stripping the Social Security Trust fund of its surpluses to cover current imbalances in the general budget;

14. Ask candidates how they would ensure that troops in combat have access to gluten-free meals;

15. Extract a pledge that candidates will reject all salutation as "Mr. President" and replace it with "Sir";

16. Eliminate anyone who makes a big deal of being the first member of some demographic group sniffing at the door of the Oval Office;

17. Require that all debates be scheduled at times when the strongest TV competition is reruns of "Lassie Finds A Home";

18. If The New York Times' Editorial Board pronounces a candidate to be "one of the most broadly and deeply qualified presidential candidates in modern history," how do you justify continuing your campaign?

Supplement

There should be one customized question per each debate participant. SAMPLE:

"Mr. Trump, you have made the argument that you have exceptional prowess, and would be a uniquely forceful leader, in part by claiming that you have slept with many of the most beautiful women in the world. Please tell Americans intrigued by this great accomplishment what the women did while you slept!"