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Pet Shop Boys: Finding Your Furry Partner

You don't have to have kids to get a pet. Some couples have been known to adopt a dog or cat as a practice family. Would Biff and Brenda make responsible parents? If they strap Ruffy to the roof of their Range Rover, probably not.
John K. Herr
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Speechwriter and standup comic

Speechwriter and standup comic
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It's that time of year, when illegal puppy mills and irresponsible kitten owners gear up for the holiday pet-giving season. Happy children will soon be cuddling these tiny furry bundles while visions of YouTube ad dollars dance in their parents' heads.

You don't have to have kids to get a pet. Some couples have been known to adopt a dog or cat as a practice family. Would Biff and Brenda make responsible parents? If they strap Ruffy to the roof of their Range Rover for the drive home, the answer is probably hell no.

But there's another market that's been overlooked: singles. That's right, if you can feed, train and discipline Fido, chances are good you can do the same with a person.

True, owning a pet or a spouse is a major life commitment. Some of you ladies may be on the fence. We want you to feel comfortable about your choice.

So here are a few handy phrases that can be used interchangeably in either situation.

  • No, he likes to sleep in the garage.

  • Of course I don't let him lay on the couch, it's brand new!

  • He's no trouble at all. I just have to take him out once in awhile.

  • If you let them in your bed they'll think they can do it every night.

  • He was gone for two months. I thought I lost him.

  • You'll come crawling back, tail between your legs.

  • I've got to take him you-know-where for his you-know-what.

  • Get away from the table! That's for company.

  • He just loves his pepperoni-flavored snacks, don'tcha boy?

  • I got him for protection, but he just whimpers and hides.

  • I don't know how he can sleep 18 hours a day. What a life.

  • You're taking a bath, and that's final!

  • Now look, you got your dirty feet all over the carpet, you stupid animal.

  • He gets so excited when we take a trip in the car.

  • If you don't train them from day one, they never learn how to behave.

  • You're certainly good at rolling over and playing dead.

  • Why are you snooping in my closet? There's nothing for you in there.

  • Stop sniffing my shoes! Bad!

  • Mother told me I should have gotten a purebred.

  • He can't help himself, he's a dog.

    • Merry Christmas!

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