Philosophical Jokes

One advantage of being a Philosophy major is that you get to hear a higher caliber of jokes. Maybe not bust-a-gut funny jokes (maybe not even that "philosophical"), but certainly more interesting than your typical locker room fare. Here are five examples I heard in Philosophy classes.

1. A turtle goes to the police station to report having been mugged by a group of snails. The desk sergeant asks the turtle to tell him exactly what happened, giving as much detail as he can remember. The turtle replies, "I'll try, but it all happened so fast."

2. Vowing to embark upon the life of a religious ascetic, a young man enters a monastery renowned for its harshness. Its rules are so demanding, students are allowed to say only two words every five years. At the end of his fifth year of silence, the head monk visits his room. The student says to the monk, "Bed hard." The monk says nothing, and leaves.

Five years pass. The monk again enters the student's room. The student says to him, "Food cold." The monk says nothing, and leaves. Another five years pass. The monk returns to the room. The student says, "I quit." The monk studies him a moment and replies, "I'm not surprised. You haven't stopped bitching since you got here."

3. A passing motorist notices a farmer feeding apples to his pig. He stops his car to watch. The farmer lifts the large animal on his back and carries him to a branch of the tree with apples on it. When the pig eats one of the apples, the farmer hoists the pig up and carries him to another branch. And then to another branch. He does it repeatedly.

After observing this, the motorist politely says to the farmer, "I have a suggestion. Why don't you just shake the branches and let the apples fall to the ground?" The farmer answers, "Why would I want to do that?" The motorist says, "Well, it would save time, wouldn't it?" The farmer replies incredulously, "What's time to a pig?"

4. After 20 years on a deserted island, a shipwrecked man is finally rescued. During his time on the island, he managed to scavenge tools and building supplies from the wrecked ship, and was able to build some structures. Before the rescuers leave with him, he offers to show them what he's built.

Pointing to various structures, he says proudly, "That's my house over there. And that's my tool shed. That's my bathroom. And that's my church." The rescuer notices a small building in the distance and asks, "What's that one?" The man answers scornfully, "That the church I used to go to."

5. An army sergeant suffers from a chronic inability to give people bad news. He simply can't bring himself to do it straightforwardly. He receives a telegram notifying him that the mother of Private Flanagan has died suddenly. He gathers his platoon together and says to the formation, "All those with mothers still alive, take one step forward. (pause) Not so fast, Flanagan."

David Macaray is a playwright and author.

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