Pinocchio: 'Reality Bites--Turn me Back into a Puppet'

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Pinocchio has requested to be turned back into a marionette. "Sure, I once ached to be a real boy--but my head was made of wood then. I didn't know any better. I couldn't comprehend that real boys turn into real men and the real world in which they live sucks cricket balls."

"Free will is an illusion," he added. "Whatever choices you make someone or something else is still pulling the strings. Reality bites and all roads lead to screwed-ville."

"For example, they said if I didn't go to college I wouldn't be able to make a living. So I went to college. Now, I'm drowning in a sea of student loans, can only get temporary freelance work without security or benefits, and even if I could save a dime it would make zero difference because interest rates are so low."

"Then to add insult to injury, I'm stereotyped as lazy and entitled--which I am not. Look at my nose if you don't believe me. I love Geppetto, but do you really think I want to live with him forever? 'Lives with dad' doesn't exactly boost your online-dating profile."

"Then there's the bigger, global shit--ineffective partisan government, racism, the environment. When I let my head go there I wanna chow down on benzodiazepines like M&M's."

When asked if he had any advice for other marionettes considering humanity, Pinocchio scoffed, "Yeah...be careful what you wish for upon a star."

Images: (left and center) "Pinocchio" by André Koehne, (right) "Català: Rajoy pinotxo, València" by Joanbanjo, all used with permission via Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike license